Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don’t say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.

This week’s entry:
Little Fockers
(Paramount; Dir. Chris Weitz)

Once while stuck in a hotel, I ordered a porno called Meet the Parents which turned out to be not all that pornographic really. Still, I watched the shit out of it and never even thought to put my pee-pee away. Sometimes movies are just not-horrible enough to surprise you when you see them on accident. Meet the Parents skirted that line simply with the smart repetition of one joke: Focker (especially, as others have noticed, whenever James Rebhorn says it). It was a Mr. Show joke amid a sea of SNL bullshit.

“I’m the best thing about a lot of shit, bitch”

Some part of me knew they made a second movie, and that it’s very title completely neutered the only good thing about the first. Meet the Parents was not a significant part of my life, so its sequel didn’t even register as a significant noun. But now there’s this third one, and I accidentally saw a trailer for it while trying to masturbate to tampax ads.

This really pissed me off, not so much because the trailer sucks but because it aroused my curiosity about what I missed in the second movie. I went to the Internet and looked it up. Apparently the DeNiro visits the Stiller’s parents and they clash. No shit.

Also, here’s the wikipedia description for the Stiller’s dad:

Bernard “Bernie” Focker (Dustin Hoffman): The father of Greg. He was an attorney for a brief period of time, but became a homemaker after the birth of his son. Bernie lives on “Focker Isle” in Miami, with his wife Roz. He claims to be a practitioner of capoeira, the Brazilian martial art of dance-fighting. His fondness for chimichangas is a recurring joke within the film.

I’m sure there’s a way to make a fondness for chimichangas funny. But I’m just as sure the makers of Meet the Fockers chose another path. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong on this one, chudfan.

The Set Up
The De Niro is coming to the Stiller’s house for what appears to be the first time ever to see his two grandchildren for what appears to be the first time ever. If I understand correctly, the Stiller’s lady was pregnant in the second film. Since there’s two Fockin kids in this one, I have to assume she had twins. One’s Fockin tubby. The other’s Fockin skinny. What’s the point of having twins in your plot if they don’t even look alike? That shit’s the only thing that makes twins special in the first fockin place.

The Problem
The De Niro is a hardass, but the Stiller tries to win his hardass love anyway. On the way, all kinds of disastrously embarrassing things happen which ruin the Stiller’s credibility as a human being. Will the Stiller redeem himself in the De Niro’s eyes by the film’s end? The smart money says no, not this fockin time.

The Solution
Here’s how I see it all going down:

The De Niro’s old suspicions about the Stiller pipe-up again when he notices that the Stiller still uses a land-line telephone and that is has caller ID, which is 2x stupid. Later at dinner Stiller displays an unbelievable inability to use a simple kitchen knife. Furthermore, his tiny wound sprays far more blood than one would expect from just a finger. At this point, the De Niro feels pretty confident the Stiller’s actually an alien poorly passing for human. But since he’s been proven wrong about the Stiller twice now, he bides his time hoping for more evidence.

Then, under the cover of yet another super bad luck streak, The Stiller manages to put a needle into the De Niro’s dick. This is the final straw. The Stiller is definitely an alien attempting to conquer Earth by making an army of De Niros. Now, after a decade of hate, he can finally justify slitting the Stiller’s throat. Ever the clutz, the Stiller’s blood splashes the De Niro’s 40th wedding anniversary cake he had flown in from Paris at great expense. Dammit, Focker!

The CIA don’t raise no fools. One by one, he smothers the Little Fockers too. He also rapes and murders his daughter just in case she got some Focker DNA when she took the Focker name. Then he kills his wife because, Christ, what a nag.

The De Niro’s extreme prejudice in saving the Earth from alien invasion garners attention from the Men in Black II. So he becomes a Men in Black II. Owen Wilson is his sassy, black partner.

One day this film’s DVD will be available for $4 at the drugstore and no one I know will give a shit. Your grandma will own it and make everyone watch it at Thanksgiving. You will laugh twice and feel bad about it later.