Runaway (1984) BUY IT

The Principals: Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck’s mustache. Gene Simmons. Kirstie Alley. Kirtie Alley’s mustache. Chris Mulkey. An alive Michael Crichton (who directed).

The Premise: Gene Simmons is terrorizing the Earth with tiny, awkward, barely-robot robots. Tom Selleck is a badass veteran robot killing policeman who will make it look convincing as he grapples with metal armatures and makes a disgruntled face. His partner is cute but suffering from a near terminal case of 80’s hair.

I will never eat chocolate shavings again.

Is It Good:  If you would have asked me last week my answer would have been a resounding yes. Now that I have recently watched it again, my answer is a resounding no. Actually it’s twelve times no to the sixth power of never. I was a pile of shit as a child.

Now, I am still proud as punch to own this movie and I’ll stab anyone that isn’t me badmouthing it. But it’s horrid.

If this photo ran against Obama I would not have voted for Obama.

When this movie was made Gene Simmons hadn’t overstayed his welcome as a Rock God. I say this as a Kiss fan. The 80’s and 90’s were tough times for the band and when Gene tried his hand at acting the results were good (Wanted: Dead or Alive), nightmarish (Red Surf, Never Too Young to Die), and weird. This one’s weird because Gene as the villain of the piece showcases 1/3rd a facet as an actor and in his characterization. The horribly imagined piss poor robots blow Gene and his ‘Satan’s Afro’ hairstyle off the screen. And I’m a huge fan of the dude. Despite this.

And it doesn’t take advantage of Tom Selleck’s incredible charm. He plays a generic cop character whose two traits are that he’s grumpy about new recruits and that he’s afraid of heights.

And Michael Crichton’s too good for this. Westworld is fun, and though his books oftentimes have fatal flaws that keep them from transcending the ‘Beach Read” demographic, they blow this off the map and onto another map across the room.

Is It Worth A Look: Nope.

The only thing weird about this photo is that it was taken during a performance of ‘Beth’.

Random Anecdotes: The missile gun Gene Simmons uses was the coolest thing in the world to me as a kid. Now, Richard Thomas’ mole is cooler to me. Tom Selleck should have been a bigger movie star that he turned out to be. They were wise to cover Kirstie Alley’s naked bits. Imagine if you saw them and got hot and bothered as a child and then saw her now. Therapy. Needed.

“Is the 80’s behind me?
“Piss off, you look like Jon Lovitz in the off-Broadway production of Thinner.”