Here’s how old I am. I remember when Dolly Parton didn’t look like Yog Sothoth.

Shit, I remember before the era the picture above comes from, when she was natural and just a sweet-natured country and western gal with tits you could spy on from space. Everyone I know who has met her says she’s a very delightful dame. Just an absolute joy to stare at the massive chests of. So I don’t want to be mean to her simply because she has allowed doctors to shape her into something that looks like Skeletor’s night shivers. I want the best for Dolly. She’s an American original. Well, she was until cosmetic surgery made her a Herbert West original.

But she is oodles better than Queen Latifah, the least royal self-proclaimed piece of royalty this side of King Diamond. Except King Diamond is a role model and amazing. Latifah is a weird hybrid of bad and horrible, but somehow palatable for a large percentage of the world. Mostly women who find her story inspiring. They obviously didn’t hear her rap on that Living Colour song….

At least she had the good sense to die from jellyfish in Sphere. She made dying from jellyfish cool even before Will Smith did. Now everyone’s dying from jellyfish.

Also a veteran of underwater science fiction is Todd Graff, best known for being sexually attracted to a mouse in The Abyss. He’s also made some really bad movies as a director and it should please you to know that Mr. Graff is about to be surrounded by gigantic sagging multicolored breasts. No he’s not filming the adaptation of Gravity’s Rainbow.

He’s writing and directing Joyful Noise, a musical featuring the large and aging crossover sensations centered around gospel music. Here’s a little secret: Gospel is dumb.

If you give more of an ass than I do, read more on this tiny holocaust on The Hollywood Reporter.