Imagine if a DVD menu could shit out of your ass.
shit, CGI has changed the way we look at the world around us. Back in
the 70’s if you were waiting for the movie to start and the bucket of
popcorn grew eyes and started dancing around the counter top assisted by
a reanimated bag of Skittles you’d puke in your hat and call a
ventriloquist, a priest, and a burly cop six weeks from retirement to
come deal with it. Now we can’t flip through the channels without seeing
a seemingly living 2,000 foot robot whipping up a lather in his 17,000
foot shower or a muffin writhing out of some bitch’s grasp as she does a
walk-and-talk about menopause being a real pisser. Superman made us
believe a man could fly but it wasn’t until The Revenge of the Sith that we could believe that Christopher Lee had both Jedi Powers and Phase-Shift Parkinsons.
CGI is an amazing tool that many filmmakers wield like a digital Mjolnir,
creating worlds and creatures that take our breath away. Unfortunately
through the years some have used it as a scythe, slashing our dreams and
severing that muscle that connects our sexual pleasure organs to the
muscle that tells our mind we’re really good at using our sexual
pleasure organs. The result is oblivion.
with that we bring you CHUD’s latest glorious list. The twenty worst
instances of CGI in movie history. In no order. Well, except the order
we decide to do them.
“I’m late for my spin class!”
(Sung to the tune of Hey Nineteen by Steely Boring)
Brought to you by Nick Nunziata
THE OFFENDER: Jason X (2001)
THE SCENE: There is no shortage of testicular torsion here, but if one were to isolate one moment it would have to the be virtual reality scene where two idiots fight a dumb holo-monster only to have Jason show up and hew them away in assholing computer generated tomfoolery. There’s also a lot of other dogshit scenes. Like the horrible ‘Man and CGI Screwbit’ scene above. Like the ‘Jason & Spaceman burn through orbit’ scene. Like all those other scenes too that I didn’t mention.
But the ‘VR’ scene takes the cake. And then puts its penis in the cake.
Two guys first fight a CGI monster that would have looked at home in the Young Sherlock Holmes era of Computer Generated Imagery, and it’s horrible. Then Jason kills their cyber-selves, and it’s horrible. Then he kills their real selves and it’s horrible but at least not CGI. And that it’s a VR scene does not forgive the asshole FX. In fact, they should be sterling and heads above the rest of the stuff in the movie. It takes place in the year 2455. Men and Women should be cresting energy bumps across the Viceroy Astronaut Sunrise amidst burgeoning crystals of lasercharms and nebula swings and shit, not playing Short Bus Laser Tag. Unacceptable.
“Michael Crichton’s Prey in the houssssssssse!”
Almost immediately, shit goes south whether it be silly nanoscience garbage, the dumb robot girl with the detachable nipples [the next Stieg Larsson book], or just moments of violence that would have worked better with the heft and physical presence of real materials. Nothing feels real here and it’s a bad combination to have lightweight material and really crappy FX.
“I’m here for the Cold Face audition.” …………………… “Um, it’s Cold Case.”
Thank God they had Deluxe Paint II and an Amiga handy.
IN SUMMATION: If you want to pick on the wimpy kid in the schoolyard, this is it. No one expects anything of Jason X and despite the fact that it looks like it was filmed on sets that would be deemed unworthy of a SyFy original and seemingly produced by Roger Corman’s retarded cousin Skippy, it’s still a fun flick with some charms. There are some terrific little moments. That said, it’s a Friday the 13th movie, a series that was once known for its effects. It was a pioneer, and though a lot of that had to do with Tom Savini in his prime you still should count on a Jason movie to bring the goods. When it’s practical effects, like the face smash, it’s a delight. The CGI is at best a figurative albatross around your figurative neck.
When it’s at its worst, as pictured above… it’s Quetzalcoatl. And that bitch’s HEAVY.
“I’m done playing Rob Roy: The Home Game!”
Thanks to Renn Brown for the adorable animated version of the scenes.