shit, CGI has changed the way we look at the world around us. Back in
the 70’s if you were waiting for the movie to start and the bucket of
popcorn grew eyes and started dancing around the counter top assisted by
a reanimated bag of Skittles you’d puke in your hat and call a
ventriloquist, a priest, and a burly cop six weeks from retirement to
come deal with it. Now we can’t flip through the channels without seeing
a seemingly living 2,000 foot robot whipping up a lather in his 17,000
foot shower or a muffin writhing out of some bitch’s grasp as she does a
walk-and-talk about menopause being a real pisser. Superman made us
believe a man could fly but it wasn’t until The Revenge of the Sith that we could believe that Christopher Lee had both Jedi Powers and Phase-Shift Parkinsons.
CGI is an amazing tool that many filmmakers wield like a digital Mjolnir,
creating worlds and creatures that take our breath away. Unfortunately
through the years some have used it as a scythe, slashing our dreams and
severing that muscle that connects our sexual pleasure organs to the
muscle that tells our mind we’re really good at using our sexual
pleasure organs. The result is oblivion.
So
with that we bring you CHUD’s latest glorious list. The twenty worst
instances of CGI in movie history. In no order. Well, except the order
we decide to do them.
Brought to you by Renn Brown
THE OFFENDER: Alien Vs. Predator (2004)
For those frustrated by my list entries detailing effects that were not necessarily the worst looking
CGI in the history of film, but instead demonstrated the worst judgment
in the use of CGI, guess what? You can skip another one.
THE SCENE: Those involving the Alien, and specifically its early stages of life.
is one of the best cinematic representations of “be careful what you
wish for.” For years action fans and science-fiction geeks ate up video
games and comic books exploring the possibilities of a duel to the death
between the Xenomorphs with the acidic centers, and the universe’s
meanest dreadlock and wrist-band enthusiasts. When the concept was
finally strip mined and tossed haphazardly onto the big screen, we were
left with a pile of stupid mythology right next to the heap of wasted
potential. Teenagers would come later.
There are
plenty of scenes here and there that have a moment of dodgy CGI, or go
too far with the digital alien stuntmen. For example…
…but
these moments are fleeting and worthy of only average-level scorn. To
be even more begrudgingly honest, these moments are balanced by some
genuinely icky practical effects. Alien and Predator heads are chopped,
stabbed, and severed with wonderful realism several times in the movie.
The Alien Queen shitting out future face rapists is especially gross, in
the best way possible. But any ounce of respect or goodwill built by
these slimy concoctions are rendered thoroughly moot by a different, disproportionately stupid move.
Digital facehuggers catapulting through the air in bullet-time. This is something I simply never needed to see, and fuck anyone involved in bringing it to me.
being a badass foil to the beefiest and most well-armed of 80s
manpersons, the success of the Alien is rooted in gut-level, paralyzing
fear. Alien
remains frightening because every interaction with every stage of the creature’s life finds
some deep-rooted paranoia to take advantage of. The facehuggers, spindly
little fuckers that kick up any arachnophobia you may possess, don’t
just sting or bite or claw, but literally rape your fucking face.
Every bodily reaction against suffocation, blindness, gagging, and
penetration is engaged, and that’s due in no small part to being seen
in either brief frenetic flashes of energy, or sitting dormant and
dangerous on your best friend’s mug. In both cases, the organic,
breathing, living detail of the creature is an absolutely necessary part
of the menace that has sealed its legendary status as one of the most frightening movie monsters
of all time. When it’s a real piece of matter with the proper detail,
texture, and moisture it is so close to being real that you can’t help
but be scared shitless.
To not only digitize that horror, but to slow it down mid-attack and pan
around it in a computer as if it’s a John Woo action hero is to betray
what makes it frightening in the first place. You have taken a truly
disturbing creation and neutered it. They might as well have filmed
themselves tossing around one of these…
IN SUMMATION: It’s a lazy criticism to tell a viewer they “don’t get it,” and that goes double when criticizing the filmmakers who must eat, sleep, and breathe their movies to even complete them. In this case though, I feel completely comfortable saying they just didn’t get it.
