Dear Wheel of Fortune (dare I address Pat Sajak?),

I like you, the Wheel. I like you quite a bit. And that’s not just my patented vodka-wine speaking (recipe: take one glass shitty grocery store wine. add vodka to taste). But I have to wonder about your contestants.

Do you intentionally bring on the biggest morons in the history of game show morons? Youtube would have me believe so. I almost went to one of your local “tryouts” but felt I wasn’t quite dumb enough to appear on “Hangman For Money.” That’s what I would have called the show anyway. I don’t think I would have gotten on the show. I’m too good. Just too talented. I once correctly guessed “Electrical Engineer” with zero letters and only “Occupation” to guide me. That’s right – I’m a genius.

I mean, the show’s great and all – but what’s with the reckless vowel buying? Do you encourage this? Granted, I haven’t taken the time to really pour over the rules of the game, but buying vowels costs you money, right?

QUICK SIDENOTE – Pat and Vanna just discussed how the phrase is actually “I couldn’t care less” not “I could care less.” THANK YOU! That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Good looking out. I almost feel bad now about continuing to talk smack about you. It’s not gonna stop me, though.

Anywho…vowels! I can’t help but cringe (and then yell and such) when people buy vowels just to fill out words like “the.” They’re just wasting money! Smack some sense into them, Sajak. You’re better than that. Despite the fact that I’m pretty sure you’re going insane. I can’t blame you. Watching that spinning wheel day in and day out for years. Must be maddening.

I’m gonna be honest…it’s been at least ten minutes or so since that last sentence. I went to get more vodka-wine. Pretty much lost my train of thought. I’ll find it tomorrow, I’m sure. So…that’s all for now.

Don’t go changin,
Devin Coombs