Dear Guy Sitting in Front of Me,

I’m sure everyone in your high school drama class totally loves your witty bon mots. No doubt they laugh at your every joke (was that indeed them with you tonight?) and you thrive on it. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. At least not in private.

But when you invade my Troll 2 viewing experience, I can’t help but feel vexed. Sure, you think your “gay” voice is hysterical. But do you really need to keep lisp-shouting phrases until someone gives you some attention? I think not.

Now, I’m aware that this is a midnight movie. There is fun to be had, mockeries to be made. But if you’re gonna be so bold as to shout your line theater-wide, for God’s sake be funny. I’m not saying you can’t riff amongst your friends, we all do at showings like this, but don’t raise your voice unless you got an MST3K-worthy zinger. And odds are you don’t.

And here’s a little extra tip, don’t ride one somebody else’s coattails. Just because one guy sings out “Who wears short shorts?” doesn’t mean you should just start singing the rest of the song. Loudly, and for much longer than necessary. I will punch you in the back of the head, I don’t care how greasy your ponytail is.

-and also-

To the man sitting behind me,

When did you lose your sense of humor? Was it painful? Were you attending this screening in order to find it again? If so, I don’t think it worked. Spending your evening muttering about how stupid everyone around you is, in that volume loud enough to be heard but not so loud as to appear forceful, just makes you seem like a douchebag. Troll 2 features a nice spattering of unintentional homoeroticism, so some jokes are naturally cracked. But feel free to complain about rampant homophobia for five minutes. It’s okay, I’ve seen the movie before.

And you’re right, some people, like our friend in front of me, should shut up. But if you want something to happen, maybe say it loud enough for someone other than me to hear. It’s not that I think you should be heard by all, I just don’t want to suffer alone.

Hopefully by the time you read this, you’ll have found the ability to laugh again. I shall pray for you, always.

Pals forever,

Devin Coombs