Foot Meet Mouth #2.


Yesterday I told you about an unfortunate and awesome racist experience where a friend stuck his foot in his mouth up to the thigh and I acted like a bad ass who never gets caught in the dumb flapping of his own jaw. Of course I’m full of shit and after recounting this story last night to a friend I was urged to mention it on this here blog. Since the last thing I’d want to do is let a friend down, here’s my own little case of foot in mouth disease:

My cousin Anthony got married last year in Sarasota, Florida. If you’re ever there, go to the ancient restaurant Columbia [website]. It is literally worth driving down the horrible Florida panhandle for. Their sangria is better than a mother’s love for her child and their paella keeps the moon in orbit. I’m not exaggerating.

My daughter was the flower girl and I’m the oldest cousin on my Dad’s side of the family so it was one of those things I had to do and was happy to. Sadly, my buddy Jimmy’s wedding was the same day but what are you gonna do?

So we’re at the wedding and I’m at this table next to one where this guy is talking rather loudly and regaling his tablemates with what I considered a considerably over the top Dick Vitale impersonation. For those who don’t know, Dick Vitale [Wikipedia] is a world-renown voice in the world of college basketball. A legend. I’ve heard good impersonations and I’ve heard lame ones. I considered this one in the lower echelon. Still, I put up with it.

I tell my wife that if he continues it much longer I’m going to lose my shit and smack him in the bald head with a ball peen. She rolls her eyes as anyone who has known me for any amount of time is known to do.

At some point “Dick Vitale” and I make eye contact. I say something to the effect of “Enough already”. Not in a mean way, but in a way that says “you’ve done your work, let’s move on”.

He continues.

I get up and happen across my cousin Steve, the Best Man and brother to the groom. He asks me why I’m a little grumpy. I tell him about how fucking tired I am of this asshole’s Dick Vitale impersonation. He laughs at me. Hard.

As you probably know by now, Dick Vitale was sitting at the next table. A friend of the bride’s family. Dick Vitale as it turns out, does a piss poor Dick Vitale impersonation when he’s off the clock.


I mean, come on…

For the rest of the night I had every male member of my family come up and give me shit. I deserved it, but not as much as Dick fucking Vitale.

– Nick Nunziata is awesome, baby.