As a culture we became somewhat fascinated with killers in the 1990’s. Part of that has to do with our regular old bloodlust given a newly heightened status thanks to a recent invention called The Television. Not only were assholes offing each other right and left, but we had the privilege of watching people dissect and discuss the rising popularity of murder twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

This basically gave us the impression that a lot more killing was going on than normal. It got so out of control that we started making killers out of people who were just really awesome party animals, like my good bud O.J. Simpson. If anyone out there still thinks O.J. cut off that lady’s head and then cut off that guy’s head who watched him cut off that lady’s head, they’re nuts. His innocence is immediately apparent to those who remember his wonderful portrayal of “Dauber” in TV’s Craig T. Nelson: The Series, or it’s made-for-TV offshoot film: Heaven Aint Got Room for Another Van Dyke.

The media treatment of O.J. got me thinking about how much the world could use a film brave enough to satirize America’s trend of turning cold-blooded killers into cartoon celebrities. But then that got me thinking about how much fun it would be to film a fat lady getting shot in the head from the point of view of a spinning bullet.

Natural Born Killers is a film about two killers named Mickey and Mallory Mouse who were naturally born because their mom had them in a swamp aided by nothing but a timber wolf and a pair of chop sticks. She dies, and the twins are shipped off to separate shit-hole families, kind of like Luke and Lea. Mickey’s dad beats him up, while Mallory’s dad is simply Rodney Dangerfield. After taking their licks they each look longingly out an open window and sing “Somewhere Out There” to the stars.

Eventually they grow up to be about thirty-five years old. Mallory Mouse is portrayed by Juliette Lewis who recently played the “Don’t Call Me Skank” lady on Breaking Bad. Mickey Mouse is played by Woody Harrelson, who got his start playing “Dauber” in TV’s Craig T. Nelson: The Series.

Fate plays a rather large role in this film. So when you feel bad about a character dying, just remind yourself that God willed it. Mickey works as a dead meat delivery guy, and he just so happens to end up delivering some grub to Mallory’s house. When they lock eyes, they just know they’re gonna hook up and kill the shit out of some people. This scene was supposed to be funny, but none of the test audiences laughed, so we put in a laugh-track. Now it’s funny. LoL.

They drown the dad in a fish tank and set the blue-haired momma on fire for being so annoying in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. They let her little brother go because he’s wearing KISS makeup and is therefore protected by the National Order of DISCO SUCKS!!!

After that they pretty much just drive around New Mexico killing whomever they come across. Ambiguity is key here. Their death toll is supposedly nearing one hundred, but we don’t see much of that because second-hand accounts make their actions that much more widespread. They’re supposedly in love, but we don’t see much of that because they’re constantly fighting each other. They’re supposedly played by Juliette Lewis and Woody Harrelson, but we can’t be certain of that either because they look extremely different from scene to scene. This is supposedly Natural Born Killers, but who knows? It might be 2 Days in the Valley instead.

While all this is going on, two other characters make their presence known. One is a cop named Tom SIZEMORE, played by Michael Madsen. He’s got two weird things going on. One: he’s a bit of a natural born killer himself (they’re everywhere!). And Two: he’s got some super hots for Mallory Mouse, which strikes me as a good sign of eye-stupidity. Anyway, if someone’s going to bring these sons of bitches in, it’s gonna be SIZEMORE. But who will protect us from SIZEMORE himself? The answer may surprise you.

On the other hand, we have Wayne Gail, played by Bob Downy. Wayne Gail is a slimy television personality who earns massive rating by making celebrities out of Mickey and Mallory Mouse and glorifying their massacres. Even though he’s meant to personify everything wrong with American media, I decided to give him a fake British accent because those assholes are always trying to rip us off.

At this point some weird shit happens to our murderin’ heroes. They run out of gas and get lost in the desert. Luckily, they find shelter in a tee-pee run by an Indian called Chief American Spirits. Because he’s an Indian and can’t speak English, Mickey views him with a special reverence. But then he has a bad dream an accidentally shoots Chief American Spirits to death anyway. See? Natural born killers have no choice whether they kill or not! It’s a disease caused by television!

There’s not a cop for dozens of miles, but Mickey and Mallory panic and run off anyway. Their escape, however, is perilous. If their rampage was God’s fate, it looks like Chief American Spirits represents anti-fate. From the beyond he sends an army of rattlesnakes to bite Mickey and Mallory’s ankles and butts. This pisses God off, but his hands are tied because Indians have diplomatic immunity. M&M steal CAS’s truck and hightail it to the nearest drugstore where they demand “Snake Bite Juice” at gunpoint. The poor sucker behind the counter is none other than Hawaiian megastar IZ, who sadly died when we shot him on purpose. Sorry, Hawaii.

Police surround the drugstore and capture Mallory. When Mickey comes out to get her, SIZEMORE tazes him to death, then brings him back to life by kicking him in the lungs. If you’re unsure who to root for in this scene, I’ll just tell you right now that one of these dudes ends up shot in the face while the other ends up living in a nice RV with a bunch of happy children.

So now we come to the prison section of the film. Both Wayne Gail and SIZEMORE converge upon M&M’s temporary living quarters to get their respective rocks off. Gail wants to interview Mickey on live television, while SIZEMORE wants to talk Mallory into letting him rape her. To do this they need to get special permission from the warden, a hard-assed old timer played by the state of Texas.

Honestly, I don’t think the warden’s all that bad a guy. You kind of have to be a hard-edged control freak to properly run a high security prison. But because he’s not very buddy-buddy with his two most famous serial killers, I had to treat him like a villain. My heart wasn’t really in it, though.

Wayne gets his interview, and the inmates are allowed to watch it as it airs. Mickey’s faux philosophy about killing is just John Lennon-stupid enough to move them into riot mode, which allows Mickey to escape with Mallory. This part’s pretty crazy. Parts of it are film. Parts of it are Wayne Gail’s TV camera. Parts of it are people dressed like demons doing NIN karaoke. Parts of it are cartoon. And parts of it are just tits. It’s a lot like that JFK movie expect parts of it are just tits.

After escaping they execute Wayne Gail on live TV. Then the world forgets they ever happened, and they get to live happily ever after. They beat the system and they’re fucking heroes, man. In a vacant parking lot right next to Heaven, Chief American Spirit tells God he now understands the master plan and he was wrong to get in the way. God tells him to fuck off. So he and Jim Morrison fuck off.

(three stars)