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STUDIO: Vicious Circle Films

MSRP: $21.99
RATED: Unrated

RUNNING TIME: 85 minutes

SPECIAL FEATURES: None















The Pitch

Can you fight the TEMPTATION and never watch this movie?



The Humans


Director: Catherine Taylor
Writer: Julianne White
Actors: Caroline Haines, Laura Evans, Rachel Waters, Damian Morter


The Nutshell


A bunch of dumb lesbian vampires try to be gothy and sexy, but just end up being boring.


The Lowdown

Another day, another vampire movie. Only this one’s different, you guys! This one’s got “sexy” goth lesbian vampires! It’s made by women, for women (I think)! Go girls!

Isabel (Haines) is a young woman just trying to have fun and get drunk with her mates. Then everything gets ruined by some rapist cab driver, who gives her a lift then rapes her. This is, by the way, the first hint of how the film views men – they’re all scum. More on that in a bit. He attempts to kill her in the process of raping (which we are forced to watch rather explicitly), and as she’s dying a lesbian goth vampire with a really confusingly bad French accent (Evans) rescues her by biting her and then killing the rapist. Immediately following this event, the goth lesbian and Isabel sit in a bathtub together, covered in blood and intense red lighting. That’s totally hot, right y’all? But, of course, it’s only a dream, as Isabel then wakes up by herself, inexplicably in her own bathtub back at home.


“I just love these monthly visits.”

Then, a whole bunch of nothing occurs. Isabel has a whore-ish younger sister, who is dating a young gay man who doesn’t realize he’s gay yet. There are long, pointless scenes of a shitty goth nightclub with “choreographed” dancers, “sexy” lesbian vampires killing fat dudes and making out with each other covered in blood, and Isabel taking seriously FOREVER to realize she’s been bitten by a vampire and is turning into one herself.

Isabel’s got a boyfriend, Jean (Morter), who is an idiot. Apparently, she witnessed him kissing some other girl, and he denies it while accusing her of being a bitch. Great job being an asshole, idiot. Which brings me back to how the movie views men: they’re all scum. Every single man who appears in this movie, including the two detectives who are lazily attempting to solve the murder of the rapist, are mean, stupid, arrogant assholes. Goth girl power!

There is one actual amazing sequence in the movie, in which Isabel turns the table on all the awful men in the world – she reveals her vampirism to her boyfriend, then rapes him. Of course, he’s powerless to her advances until immediately after she finishes and attempts to bite him, then he’s able to break away and run for safety. Later, though, he’s killed and eaten by a bunch of lesbian vampires.

The film ends in an unsurprisingly retarded way – as the lead lesbian vampire is convincing Isabel to fully embrace her new unlife, Isabel suddenly changes her mind and forces her opponent on an iron fence spike, successfully killing her. The rest of the group of lesbian vampires choose Isabel as their new leader, and they run off into the night together. The end.


The Package


There are thankfully no features. The movie was obviously shot incredibly cheap: There are scenes that were clearly dubbed over because of the bad sound equipment on location/set. The lighting/cinematography is terribly amateur. There are “special” effects that are totally sweeeeet, like this awesome lightning bolt.


 Lightening Bolts On a Clear Night in London is going to be my new goth-core band name.


 

  1.3 out of 10