STUDIO: Paramount Pictures
MSRP: $14.99 – $16.99
RUNNING TIME: 30-120 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES: Bonus Dance Routines, Music-Only Audio Tracks,
Bonus Dance and Exercise Routines, Position Break Downs, AND A WHOLE LOT
It’s time to get fit, guys and girls! Ladies, if you don’t got a hot bod like Megan Fox, then no guy will like you! Guys, girls only like abs like The Situation, so you’d better start juicin’!
All your favorite workout and dancing personalities! Lauren, Travis, Courtney, Twitch, Katee, Dmitry, Jay Johnson, Kurt Johnsen, and of course, The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!
No, don’t eat that, it has way too many calories!
So you think you can dance, huh? Well, apparently these people do too!
Let’s be fair and honest with each other – you most likely you can not.
But that’s where the Get Fit crew comes in! These are two truly
horrible/amazing exercise DVDs that help you get fit and looking great!
Because that’s what it’s all about, people. Honestly, though, if it
wasn’t for the horrendous costumes…
call what they’re wearing. Real people don’t dress like this, do they?)
…and the grating personalities, these two discs would kind of be decent
exercise help. Except in reality, it’s like Richard Simmons was fucking
his transvestite lover while he had the flu, and sneezed and came at the
same time, and the booger-baby results were these wretched people.
Like Travis. I hate you, Travis.
And Twitch. I hate you too, Twitch.
And if it wasn’t for Lauren’s
you-make-me-want-to-kill-myself personality, she’d be really cute
after each routine, they do the cool down. These scenes are really
funny because the music sounds like it was used from the Soft Core Porn
The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Power Squad Bod! is some
of the most vapid, inane footage I’ve ever seen put to film/video. And
I’ve seen Spice World. Not only is the video quality total shit, but
the “sets” are uninteresting and lack any energy. At least the So You
Think You Can Dance sets had colors and zazz. Look at this amazing gym
floor and blue curtains!
Hard Body Boot Camp is a pretty
straight-forward work out routine with Jay Johnson, who is apparently
the cheerleaders’ official trainer, boringly chanting at them to “keep
it up!” Jay Johnson is also terrible at reading from cue-cards – I can
only imagine how many takes it must have required to get the hilarious
results we have on display.
I actually don’t have any problems
with the Body Slimming Yoga disc, because it’s just two yoga practices.
There’s not really much you can do to fuck that up. Except it’s pretty
funny when the good ol’ Kurt Johnsen is obviously checking out the
Calorie Blasting Dance is abysmal. These
“cheerleaders” are not dancers. I don’t even understand how they’re
professional cheerleaders, because besides fulfilling the criteria of
being brain-dead, bubbly, toothy, blondes (or dye job red-heads), they
have little to no rhythm. They keep saying “sexy walk,” and take my word
for it, IT’S NOT SEXY, IT’S JUST AWKWARD AND ANNOYING. And don’t forget
about the soul-draining wood floor and blue curtains! And then there’s a
fucking ad for BED HEAD hair products and make-up. GOTTA LOOK PRETTY
WHILE EXERCISING, LADIES.
The So You Think You Can Dance DVDs are decent quality. LIKE YOU CARE.
The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Power Squad Bod! (My hands hate me for
typing that) looks like it was recorded at your local abandoned high
school for the cable access channel. The features on So You Think You
Can Dance are amazing – there are BEHIND THE SCENES INTERVIEWS WITH THE
STARS and they’re taking this shit SO SERIOUSLY. All the other features
I can’t believe I had to watch these. I guess it’s
better than starving to death with the Bubonic Plague in the desert of
Africa. OR IS IT?