Holy shit, CGI has changed the way we
look at the world around us. Back in the 70’s if you were waiting for
the movie to start and the bucket of popcorn grew eyes and started
dancing around the counter top assisted by a reanimated bag of Skittles
you’d puke in your hat and call a ventriloquist, a priest, and a burly
cop six weeks from retirement to come deal with it. Now we can’t flip
through the channels without seeing a seemingly living 2,000 foot robot
whipping up a lather in his 17,000 foot shower or a muffin writhing out
of some bitch’s grasp as she does a walk-and-talk about menopause being a
real pisser. Superman
made us believe a man could fly but it wasn’t until The Revenge of the Sith
that we could believe that Christopher Lee had both Jedi Powers and
CGI is an amazing tool that many
filmmakers wield like a digital Mjolnir,
creating worlds and creatures that take our breath away. Unfortunately
through the years some have used it as a scythe, slashing our dreams and
severing that muscle that connects our sexual pleasure organs to the
muscle that tells our mind we’re really good at using our sexual
pleasure organs. The result is oblivion.
So with that we bring you CHUD’s
latest glorious list. The twenty worst instances of CGI in movie
history. In no order. Well, except the order we decide to do them.
Brought to you by David Oliver
THE OFFENDER: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
SCENE: Wolverine vs. Fire Escape. Logan’s search for the bad guys takes him to the Big Easy, where he encounters Gambit. Of course there’s a misunderstanding and of course they end up fighting. Gambit takes to a fire escape in an attempt to get away and Wolvie decides that he ain’t gonna let that happen. So he calls upon his rarely-ever used mutant superpower of Tex Avery Berzerker Rage and quickly turns the fire escape into paper clips. Had I known that Wolverine could do shit like that, I would have kicked much more ass on X-Men Legends I and II.
ALL GOES WRONG:
Well, there were some other instances of dodgy CGI in the film, most notably, the almost Roger Rabbit-quality claws in the bathroom scene. But the fire escape scene is inspired in its ridiculousness. Never in any bio, character description, wiki, or other reference material has it ever been mentioned that Wolverine could turn into The Mask. In retrospect, I probably should have been concerned for Remy that Logan was going to ram a car muffler up his ass.
HOW IT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE PRACTICALLY: There were plenty of scenes where Wolverine’s use of the claws looked just fine. He effectively sliced through doors, locks, sinks, concrete, Deadpools (Okay, on a side note, just how the blue hell was Wade supposed to have Hanzo swords up his arms? Really?), etc. Doubtful that Hugh Jackman could have safely pulled off hacking down a mock fire escape safely with practical claws. So CGI was still probably the way to go here. Just not bad CGI. And certainly not cartoonish CGI.
IS IT? Heh:
SUMMATION: Where was Tex’s name in the visual effects section of the credits? I certainly didn’t see it.
Day 2: An American Werewolf in Paris
Day 3: E.T. The Extra Terrestrial 20th Anniversary