I, just another fine American like yourself, enjoy a good magazine article from time to time. However, there are very few good magazines. Tennis Life? City Dog? Arthritis Today?


Below is a listing of some of the unbelievable shite I have stumbled upon while perusing the local newsstand.

The Affluent Traveler
– For those with money to burn. A title like this not only serves to help those in the market for its guidance in, ah, not finding deals while traveling, it also serves to demean and deter those of us who couldn’t hope to afford (or wouldn’t waste the money if we could) accommodations such as South Africa’s Sabi Sand Reserve, where ‘all lodges are unfenced and wildlife roams freely, offering guests unprecedented access to nature‘. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to watch an Affluent Traveler being gored by a south African Rhinoceros. Actually could be this is worth the money after all…

American Tugboat Review – No, I couldn’t believe it either when I saw this one on the stands. How long have I been complaining to friends and family alike that there’s just no reputable tugboat reviews out there anymore? I mean, how the hell is anyone supposed to know what to buy when in the cutthroat tug boat market? I certainly don’t see Consumer Reports doing a ‘Tugboat Special’* anymore. Now it seems, my prayers have been answered. Thank you American Tugboat Review.

Biblical Archeology – Isn’t this a juxtaposition of two words that effectively cancel one another out? The more you dig and carbon date things (a process some branches of Christianity adamantly refuse to recognize) the more you kind of see that 80% of what’s in the good book is, ah, Metaphor? Regardless the Jan/Feb 2010 issue contains some non-stop thrill rideage like ‘The Search for the Lost Menorah‘** , ‘The Spiritual Side of Sex: Sex in the Bible: A New Consideration‘ and a 28 year later retropective:  ‘Couple Recalls Finding Lost Ark‘, not to mention a handy add for a tour package that allows you to, ‘Walk Where Jesus Walked‘, starting at only $1500!!!


Lastly I’d like to throw ‘em up for my personal fav:

Counter Terrorism
– The best thing about this mag, other than its obvious attempt to capitalize on our state of perpetual fear as a nation, is the ads. Seriously, there are ads for The Counter Terrorism Expo, which this year will feature, among other nifty treats:
- Dedicated exhibition for companies of specialist security and counter terrorism technologies and solutions
-High level conference featuring multiple streams (?)
- Comprehensive programme of free-to-attend technology and practical workshops (Didn’t I read somewhere that only terrorists put extra letters on words like ‘program’?)
- Networking Functions (probably for those single counter-insurgency types)

Also advertised in the Feb issue of CT are TAC-PAK series Trauma Packs (choose from ‘Open or Bleeding Wounds‘, ‘Gunshot Wounds‘, ‘Stab Wounds‘, ‘Explosive Trauma‘, or ‘Certain Smoke & Dust Conditions‘ and Onni Explosives, specializing  ‘in providing U.S. government agencies with specialty explosives for 25 years!’

There’s scores more ridiculous periodicals out there and I can’t help but wondering, ‘who the hell is buying these in this economy?’

Maybe I can start ‘Magazine Buyers Analyzed Monthly’ and people will pay me to find out (and advertise explosives, hopefully…).


* A street term for something I hear certain oxycotton-impaired incendiary republican talk show hosts pay good money for in Thailand.

** Soon to be the first Indiana Jones/Robert ‘Lame’ Langdon crossover movie!!!