Boilerplate intro talking about Hollywood’s history of competing projects with same concept. Insert hilarious and timely Armageddon and Deep Impact gags here.
Express mild interest in news scoop that David Fincher could direct a 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea movie for Disney. Explain history of project, including McG’s short involvement. Make a Minnie Mouse head in box/Seven joke. Analyze scifi elements, desperately search for connection to Rendezvous with Rama, a scifi film to which Fincher was attached. Mention that Soderbergh regular Scott Z Burns is writing script.
Mention second project at Fox. Disparage Fox. Explain this is Timur Bekmambetov project; make joke insinuating Bekmambetov takes on too many projects and makes none of them. Describe film’s setting as futuristic.
Wrap up with half-assed analysis. Make wild guesses as to the nature and future of two completely unknown projects. Attempt to speak for all readers by coming down on the side of one specific project. Speculate on Fincher’s upcoming projects.
Give via credit.