- There
was one black oat in my oatmeal today. I didn’t know whether the
celebrate it, run in fear, or realize that sometimes an oat is black
and stop being so fucking racist. - Speaking
of oatmeal. I’ve had it three times this week. Should I just step into
the grave and wait at this point? I’m 38 years old and I don’t live on
the wild frontier and I’m eating oatmeal. I am one dietary degree of
separation from Early Man. I ate a gardenburger BY CHOICE on Wednesday
and loved it. Like, licking green detritus off my fingers with glee
levels of madness. I’m on the way outta here. - My good friend Andrea did a blog the other day
calling for the downfall of douche and though her logic has do with
very fair reasoning I must say that not every puss is created equal.
Her suggestion for a solution was to have the stinking offender change
their diet to repair the chemical imbalance that resulted in swamp
snatch. That’s a risky proposition because you never know what to
change in the diet. That said, I’d love to ask a woman why she’s
dieting and have her respond to ‘to counteract my sewage smelling
vagina hole’. If someone needs a spritzer, I wholeheartedly implore
them to seize that diem. You may be proud of your ability to sleep at
night knowing you don’t have bizarre mixtures of chemicals in your pink
gazebo but if your natural musk has a vendetta against civilization
feel free to Listerine that hole. - Additionally,
I want them to make mints for the ass. Or like an Alka Seltzer you drop
in your underwear halfway through the day that does a nice refresher on
the zones. We as humans (I’ll speak for the men here) do not have self
cleaning groins. And frankly, we also don’t have purses to carry baby
power, or soap, or [if you’re a fool] Axe Body Spray to provide
deceptive auras of freshness to get us throughout the day. I can be in
the middle of something great and have the dawning realization that
Dagon is forming in my shorts and there’s nothing I can do about it. I
am confident enough in my sexuality to put a minty suppository in my
buttock, provided it’s less than seven inches long. Anything to make my
place delightful. - The
best thing to clean out a troubled nose is a finger. Fact. Provided the
finger is washed and the nose trouble is disposed of properly, it’s the
proper use of a tool we were built with. Fingers exist more to clean
out our holes than hold jewelry. - I hate porn. Does that make me a Communist?
- I
had half a glass of whisky I left overnight and when I revisited it, it
was cloudy and weird. Undrinkable and creepy. Why are the best things
in life so fleeting?
Now, feel free to listen to all our recent tunes for free!