• There
    was one black oat in my oatmeal today. I didn’t know whether the
    celebrate it, run in fear, or realize that sometimes an oat is black
    and stop being so fucking racist.

  • Speaking
    of oatmeal. I’ve had it three times this week. Should I just step into
    the grave and wait at this point? I’m 38 years old and I don’t live on
    the wild frontier and I’m eating oatmeal. I am one dietary degree of
    separation from Early Man. I ate a gardenburger BY CHOICE on Wednesday
    and loved it. Like, licking green detritus off my fingers with glee
    levels of madness. I’m on the way outta here.

  • My good friend Andrea did a blog the other day
    calling for the downfall of douche and though her logic has do with
    very fair reasoning I must say that not every puss is created equal.
    Her suggestion for a solution was to have the stinking offender change
    their diet to repair the chemical imbalance that resulted in swamp
    snatch. That’s a risky proposition because you never know what to
    change in the diet. That said, I’d love to ask a woman why she’s
    dieting and have her respond to ‘to counteract my sewage smelling
    vagina hole’. If someone needs a spritzer, I wholeheartedly implore
    them to seize that diem. You may be proud of your ability to sleep at
    night knowing you don’t have bizarre mixtures of chemicals in your pink
    gazebo but if your natural musk has a vendetta against civilization
    feel free to Listerine that hole.

  • Additionally,
    I want them to make mints for the ass. Or like an Alka Seltzer you drop
    in your underwear halfway through the day that does a nice refresher on
    the zones. We as humans (I’ll speak for the men here) do not have self
    cleaning groins. And frankly, we also don’t have purses to carry baby
    power, or soap, or [if you’re a fool] Axe Body Spray to provide
    deceptive auras of freshness to get us throughout the day. I can be in
    the middle of something great and have the dawning realization that
    Dagon is forming in my shorts and there’s nothing I can do about it. I
    am confident enough in my sexuality to put a minty suppository in my
    buttock, provided it’s less than seven inches long. Anything to make my
    place delightful.

  • The
    best thing to clean out a troubled nose is a finger. Fact. Provided the
    finger is washed and the nose trouble is disposed of properly, it’s the
    proper use of a tool we were built with. Fingers exist more to clean
    out our holes than hold jewelry.

  • I hate porn. Does that make me a Communist?

  • I
    had half a glass of whisky I left overnight and when I revisited it, it
    was cloudy and weird. Undrinkable and creepy. Why are the best things
    in life so fleeting?

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