STUDIO: Phase 4 Films
MSRP: $23.99
RUNNING TIME: 85 Minutes
•Cast Interviews
•Audio Commentary
•Photo Gallery

The Pitch

LeAnn Rimes!!!!!!!!! ohandotherpeopleareinamoviecalledGoodIntentionsthatsaboutstuff.

The Humans

Directed by Jim Issa
Written by Anthony Stephenson
Starring Luke Perry, Elaine Hendrix, Jon Gries, Jimmi Simpson and LeAnn Rimes.

The Nutshell

It’s a redneck bonanza as Etta Milford (Hendrix) repeatedly robs her husband Chester (Perry) at gun point in order to buy antique furniture so she can re-sell it to “Antique Road Show” after it appreciates and send her future criminal children to college. When the antiques turn out to be fake, Etta has to blackmail her way in for a chance at revenge. It’s somehow even worse than it sounds.

Finally, a DP who understands the importance of Nostril Vision.

The Lowdown

I have never appreciated red neck, blue collar comedy. I don’t think it’s funny. I don’t think it’s cute. Jeff Foxworthy means less to me than a bologna sandwich. And I really don’t like bologna either. Nothing makes me change a channel faster on television then seeing Larry The Cable Guy doing anything. It doesn’t matter if he’s doing stand up or getting punched repeatedly in the genitals. Any second I waste on him is a second of my life I will never get back and those are the ones that are going to add up in the end. I’ll be on my death bed and I won’t be able to finish the last sentence I’ll ever say (which I imagine will probably be extremely important and hilarious) because I wasted 10 seconds on Delta Farce. If only I was quicker on the draw.

I should have known what I was in for after sitting through the two opening trailers for the brain melting bullshit that is Order Of Chaos and Wheelmen. Good Intentions opens with a scene of a little girl at a funeral and her aunt and uncle telling her she can come live with them. This is beyond unnecessary. The aunt and uncle are never mentioned again and suddenly she’s not a little girl anymore. She’s a middle aged woman with two cracker spawn children that steal cigarettes and crash the family car into strip club signs. If there was a pillow case full of rocks somewhere when those two slimed their way into the world, someone should’ve looked for it a little harder. Her sister is Pam who is played by the lower mammal that is LeAnn Rimes. She acts like she’s in a public high school play and looks like she just crawled out of a garbage can. But good for her. At least this movie is almost a showcase for her irritating music. And face. Everyone in the movie acts like they spent their lives huffing paint out of a paper bag. That doesn’t make it funny. It makes me feel like I’m being punished. I’ve seen some really bad ones in my life. But I’ve never willfully sat through anything like this before. I’m the wrong age for it. I’m the wrong sex for it. I live in the wrong state for it. Perhaps that makes me biased, but I don’t think so. It’s just not good. Period.

“Hey Mr. Chompers! I see you’re still scary as hell.”

I’m left wondering if Good Intentions actually takes place in another dimension. Dark Tower style. Etta and Pam are apparently the only two women in the town, and there are absolutely no consequences to anyone’s horrible behavior. Etta runs around robbing her own husband at gun point, and when he finds out about it she sleeps in the car for a night. What a world! And who the hell would ever use that money to buy antique furniture with long term investment plans? That might be the worst idea in script history. Without any kind of repercussion, there’s no message or morals to learn about. Isn’t that why movies like this exist? There’s barely even a character arc. Everyone pretty much gets away with their shitty behavior. Even the cops just turn a blind eye. It doesn’t matter if a drill is going through a truck tire, a rifle if being thrown in the face of a 400 year old man, or the blackmailing of the chief of police. Everything is fine in the next scene and no one is upset. Makes sense. Not that I’m expecting to see anything other than a nice neat package of everything you expected, but at least an attempt at some sort of drama other than Ratface Rimes and Heavyhead Hendrix having a fake cry moment in a car in the rain. It even ends as pointless as it begins with a “reveal” that means nothing and adds less than that to anything you’ve seen already. I’m over it.

Luke. Buffy was 18 years ago. You can stop with the cross thing. No one is
really a vampire. No, not even Donald Sutherland.

The Package

Just when you thought the movie couldn’t get any worse, try watching it with the commentary. Count how many times you think about killing yourself while you do. There’s mind splitting conversations like “Oh! A tire swing” and “another great example of how focus pulling helps tell a story”. And if I had to hear one more time that it was 105 degrees out the whole time you were filming I would have stabbed myself in the stomach with a screwdriver. It was hard getting through once, I can’t see how anyone, no matter who they were would watch this twice if they weren’t me and reviewing it. The photo gallery is what you think it is and the Cast Interviews is just Elaine Hendrix sitting there while LeAnn Rimes talks about how much she loved the script and it was exactly what she was looking for. Wish we got that too. Do your self a favor and do anything else.

3 out of 10