I figured in addition to the large List of

columns that run a couple

times a month it’d be good to give folks a
daily dose, since

absolutely no shortage of dumb shit out there
in the world.

keep this thing going by sending your DUMBS to me
through THIS

please spread the word through your Tweets and Facebook and

Though CHUD.com’s not for everyone, stuff like this is!
03/22 – At WHAT exactly?

Photo by Nick

First of all, Church Children sounds like freaky group of individuals. Like Children of the Corn or The Brood. Then again, in my experience Church Children are a freaky group of individuals.

What exactly do Church Children have a better chance at?

Going to Heaven?

Nope, because if you believe the text it’s what you do that determines that. How you treat others. How you live your life. Not what building you occupy one or two days a week to sing and listen to people talk and shake hands and eat bland discs.

Succeeding in life?
Nope, because while there are businesses [that should be sunk by the government] that hire based on church affiliation and/or religious views, most don’t. At least on the surface. You succeed in life because of how you manage your shit. Your drive. Your ethics. A little luck.

Finding the perfect person for them?
Nope, because it’s ultimately your differences that make two people sync. Two folks who go to church to meet their soulmate have as much a chance of forcing the issue as actually making a real connection.

Church Children have a better chance of missing the opening innings of a Sunday baseball game. They have a better chance of winning Bible trivia games. They have a better chance of watching Fox News. They have a better chance of finding The Exorcist offensive. They have plenty of chances but in the grand scheme it’s less about church and more about environment, luck, family bonds, creativity, resilience, work ethic, hygiene, and various other conditions. What the license plate is actually in existence for is to justify the lifestyle. “There are others like me”.

Church Children have the same chances as other children. And that is this: it’s a crapshoot. Good luck.

And thus concludes my cutting edge dissertation on why gas station license plates aren’t 100% useful.