I figured in addition to the large List of

columns that run a couple

times a month it’d be good to give folks a
daily dose, since

absolutely no shortage of dumb shit out there
in the world.

keep this thing going by sending your DUMBS to me
through THIS

please spread the word through your Tweets and Facebook and

Though CHUD.com’s not for everyone, stuff like this is!
03/16 – The Taloned Mr. Ripley.

Photo by Richard Barfield.

I am so thrilled at this photo. One of my favorite submissions ever.

First of all, the expression on the falcon’s face. You know what he’s thinking.

“They look at Falcon and see a majestic and proud bird. Falcon embodies strength, cunning, and freedom and Falcon will execute all of these traits in about fifteen minutes when Falcon’s puny human associate arrives to feed Falcon an emaciated dead rodent. Yes, Falcon will pose for your photograph but in hindsight Falcon’s expression will reveal all of the clues. It’s obvious by the look on Falcon’s face that an escape was forthcoming!”

At least that’s what I got out of it.

Secondly, in bold type it tells us that it’s already been reported missing. How is this relevant? It’s not like there’s some outbreak of free falcons to contend with. Can you imagine catching this little asshole and upon discovering it was the second time they’d posted a sign you’d send it to the skies in protest? It’s a falcon. It’s not a duck. You catch a falcon wearing jewelry and shit, doesn’t matter who holds his pink slip. It wasn’t born that way.

Thirdly, it’s a fucking FALCON. Imagine you were to spot this whore in a tree. What are you going to do? Lasso it? Lure it down with a bag of popcorn? You call the number and probably get a message “You’ve reached Falcon Loss, leave a message”. By the time the guy shows up, the animal is in another town. It can fly. It can fly so well they name jet fighters after it. That bitch has no predators and a newly punched ticket to paradise. That dude has plans and they do not involve being captured.