MSRP: $17.49
RATED: Not rated
RUNNING TIME: 90 minutes
    * Commentary
    * Behind the Scenes

The Pitch
I Am Skinemax.

The Humans
Adam Davis, Ron Jeremy
Director: Sean Skelding

The Nutshell
post-apocalyptic world is overrun by “sexy” nympho vampires who crave
ugly-bumping instead of blood. Robby (Adam Davis) is the last virgin
alive, and trying to stay that way. With boring results.

The Lowdown
While the basic idea of an I Am Legend sex-parody has cheeky possibilities, I Am Virgin is
so barely a movie that it practically mocks the idea of being reviewed.
Comparing the video and audio quality to that of a high school class
project or posing nagging questions like – What caused the apocalypse?
Why doesn’t vinegar kill Robby’s lawn? If the vampires don’t crave
blood, in what way exactly are they vampires? – is pointless. I Am Virgin
is what my friends and I used to call an “orno.” As in a porno minus
the p (penis and pussy, for you slowies out there), which I’ve always
found to be a maddening genre. I mean, is there anything more futile
than watching a lengthy fake blowjob scene?

That’s what Will Smith was missing! A giant purple dildo!

I Am Virgin is bad even for an orno. It makes Spiderbabe seem worthy of Sight & Sound’s Top Ten list. Robby and his trusty dog head out inexplicably everyday to search
rundown buildings where he inevitably finds some “vampires” screwing.
Each one of these sex scenes lasts a minimum of 4-5 minutes and features a
tatt-fetish cavalcade of fake-titted inkshop skanks (nothing against inkshop skanks, I just wanted some variety). Robby watches them
dry hump for what seems like eons, until they eventually spot him and
ask him to join in, Robby then screams and “humorously” runs back to
his truck. This literally happens five times in the film, with no
variation of events. Five mother fucking times. No. Variation. Five. A 90 minute movie. 30 minutes of tedious orno. And probably another 30 minutes of Robby aimlessly wandering around town.

Jeremy shows up as a friendly non-fucking “vampire” in the closest
thing the “movie” has to an actual movie scene. Here The Hedgehog
teaches Robby the secret to having sex with “vampires” without becoming
one himself, which leads up to the most fascinating aspect of the whole
movie… that Robby refuses to lose his virginity to any of the
“vampires” because he’s still holding out for the right girl. That’s
right, the movie that’s 1/3 fuck scenes hits you with a conservative
message at the end. Happy birthday! *fart noise*

“What are you doing here, Ron Jeremy?”
“I’m a vampire. And I didn’t invest my porno money very well.”

The Package
behind-the-scenes doc tries to convince us that the actresses made out
between takes too, and the commentary track with the director and the
star is frankly more entertaining to have playing over the scenes than
the film’s normal audio. Though it also reveals that the director
thinks the film is above that of a normal orno. Which is unfortunate.

2 out of 10