Jim Garrison-Tom Hanks (Vocals by Harry Connick, Jr.)
Bill Broussard-Josh Brolin (vocals by Mike Patton)
JFK-Harvey Kietel (Vocals by Henry Rollins)
Jackie Onassis-Joan Allen (Vocals by Natalie Cole dubbed over her dead father Nat’s, of course)
Lee Harvey Oswald-Dolph Lundgren (Vocals by PATSY Cline)
Produced, directed, and choreographed by Oliver Stone
The film starts off with JFK getting shot by 25 snipers hidden in garbage cans, crouched behind pigeons, in a water cooler, from the tailpipe of his car, and from the seat next to him to a big musical number called “Poppin Caps in the Prez”.
While the press goes wild, there’s a bittersweet song by Jackie O. called “Lead Poisoning” which mixes into a song by Jim Garrison and his gang of prosecutors called “Cubacabana”.
As they interrogate various Dallas personnel, there’s a dance number by Jack Ruby’s strippers whom are clad only in bikinis made up of front page of the Washington Post which reads “Kennedy shot 356 times by lone gunman”.
Then Clay Shaw (played by Lionel Ritchie with songs sung by Tommy Lee Jones) enters the film with his cadre of New Orleans “friends” (Howie Long, Brian Bosworth, Randall “Tex” Cobb, Rowdy “Roddy” Piper, and Warwick Davis) to do a Bubsy Berkely-esque dance number called “A Hard Man is Good to Find”. It is at the end of that number that Jim Garrison and his gang bust up the party and start to build there case (to a music video sequence by the arsenal of Herbie Hancock, Vangelis, Jan Hammer, and Harold Faltermeyer).
Then, in a bizarre twist from the actual events, Lee Harvey Oswald’s body is exhumed and it is revealed that he was actually the first human/alien hybrid. Director, writer, producer, choreographer, grip, hair dresser, casting agent, caterer Oliver Stone then finally gets to approach the ONE conspiracy he hasn’t approached: The Alien Menace.
He ties it all to Vietnam to the tune of “Me So Horny, by The 2 Live Crew) and ends the film with documentary footage of the making of a Krystal burger, which will have audiences using the sickness bags Stone plans to disperse to all theaters during the relase of the film.
If we can get a deal worked up before the deadline, we’re going to have Elton John re-record “Candle in the Wind” for each character who dies in the film. Already written: “Bullseye in the Limo”, “Candle in the Grassy Knoll”, and “Candle in the Book Depository Building”.
Behind every great book adaptation is a forgettable first try. — By Ryan Covey