I figured in addition to the large List of Dumb
columns that run a couple of times a month it’d be good to give folks a
daily dose, since there’s absolutely no shortage of dumb shit out there
in the world. Help keep this thing going by sending your DUMBS to me
through THIS LINK.
Also, please spread the word through your Tweets and Facebook and
MySpace updates. Though CHUD.com’s not for everyone, stuff like this is!
 
02/02 – In other news, that girl who breathed ocean drowns.


Photo by Clay Young.

Little kids shooting themselves to death isn’t funny. Unless the kid shoots themselves to death with a strawberry. Then it’s funny because most of us don’t even know how to LOAD a strawberry.

The kid in The Sixth Sense with the headhole who wanted to show Haley Joel where his father keeps his guns is funny. because you’d think he had the inside dirt on the diminished value of playing with father firearms. Cut from the film: When the little self-slaughterer shows Haley Joel’s career where his father keeps his guns.

Little
kids shooting themselves to death isn’t funny. Unless an old woman is cursing while it happens, because mainstream Hollywood comedy cinema has taught us that old women cursing is comedy platinum.

That newspaper headline isn’t news. It’s a 2 year old’s job to die when he or she gets shot in the head. Heck, even a fully developed weightlifter faces crappy odds when shot in the head. We are programmed to die when objects fly through our skin. Especially in the vicinity of our brainballs. That zone is rife with places that hate being shot and the whole section reacts poorly to losing mass.

It would be news if the kid shot himself in the head and became a centaur. Worthy of a headline.

BOY, 2 SHOOTS SELF IN HEAD, GALLOPS AWAY SUDDENLY HORSE


It’s sad when dumb parents give their kids access to nightmarish possibilities. It’s sad when an innocent kid loses.

A worse thought. What if it was premeditated? Kid found out that JoJo’s Circus is fake and can’t handle life on Earth anymore. I think he should have given it at least another year before deciding that the world was too cruel to stay. Personally, I didn’t realize the world was an asshole until I was like 15 and by then I was too caught up in finding out how Star Wars wrapped up. I chose poorly.

In all seriousness, this isn’t a joking matter. As you can see, my desire to be a smartass outweighs my love of the human spirit.