Going to be starting this at 7:30 and refreshing constantly throughout the nightmare of a show. Unless our server crashes, as it’s known to do on days like these. Post your comments in the talkback below or in THIS MESSAGE BOARD THREAD. Enjoy. Don’t expect it to be very sweet and tender. I’m a cock, but only because the Golden Globes are cock.
In the spirit of the red carpet…
What I’m wearing: American Eagle jeans and a Gap t-shirt. Doc Martens shoes. A Davey Skinz cock ring.
Who I’m wearing: A flayed schoolgirl.
(Latest posts first. For continuity, go down and scroll up)
11:00 – I’m outta here. Thanks for watching and don’t forget to buy wet wipes because regular toilet paper does nothing about the stink.
10:59 – I wish James Cameron had Dr. Theopolis on his chest to do his talking for him.
10:57 – Avatar wins Best Picture. Devin’s poop shoots out. CHUD readers devour their feet. The internet shits into its shit. Gay dogs go straight. The moon farts. Jesus returns to Earth and leaves, kicking plants as he does.
10:56 – The Microsoft Paperclip just popped up and said ‘Are you sure you want to discuss fucking Sinbad again?’.
10:55 – There’s Sinbad talking out of his ass again.
10:49 – Jeff Bridges: “I want to take this time to thank The Door in the Floor.”.
10:49 – Text from Beau: “Congrats, send me money – Signed Beau”.
10:46 – Best Actor goes to Jeff Bridges, because he’s the best actor of 2009. I want to penis Kate Winslet.
10:42 – Thanks Golden Globes for making sure I never watch Parenthood.
10:42 – Love Downey more than sweet sunrises, but the movie was ok at best.
10:40 – Best Supporting Actor goes to Robert Downey Jr. for the movie I forgot about six seconds after I left the theater!
10:39 – Sandra Bullock: “I used all three seashells before the show!”
10:37 – Sandra Bullock wins? Over unintelligible fat? How did it happen?
10:36 – The alien. Not the film.
10:35 – Arnold has the comic improv timing of Cloverfield.
10:33 – Arnold Whatshisname likes this movie Avadar. When does it come out?
10:31 – We have another half hour. There are people about to die in a half hour that have no idea it’s happening in the span of this next bit of disaster.
10:28 – The Hangover is great and I’m proud to see it win!
10:27 – Reese Witherspoon finished being Darkness from Legend just for tonight.
10:27 – Mike Tyson’s stool once contained ear.
10:25 – A talkbacker is mad at me. “Integrity? Motherfucker you wanted to make a killer ORCA movie or some shit. You wouldn’t know integrity if it was nibbling on your balls”. Way to pick on a guy in the fetal stages of a movie career trying to get it started. One day I’ll be making the movies I want to and I’ll pay a man to kill you and NO ONE WILL KNOW BECAUSE I AM RICH.
10:23 – James Cameron is a geek, of course he’s gonna quote his own movie. It’s dumb but if you haven’t noticed… he gets a little close to his work.
10:20 – Glee wins. NOW SHUT THE FUCK ABOUT GLEE.
10:19 – Guest quote from Justin/Matchstick regarding Cameron. “Hope he doesn’t meet another younger mannish looker tonight”.
10:18 – He doesn’t deserve it for writing but he directed the living fuck out of that movie.
10:16 – Best director is… James Cameron. And folks, sorry… no one worked harder or deserves it more.
10:15 – SUZY AMIS SIGHTING!
10:14 – Mel Gibson’s an alcoholic!
10:13 – Bigelow. Good director. Good tea.
10:12 – No one’s gonna Accuse her of not looking good.
10:11 – The Ronald McDonald House. Haunted.
10:10 – What makes Hoth travel more palatable.
10:08 – REMEMBER THIS: There are kids who tuned in to see Tyler Lautner saying ‘who is this old man wasting my time, ROFL!” right now.
10:05 – George Lucas is sitting in the front row so he can see what integrity looks like up close.
10:03 – Nice little Shutter Island promo!
10:01 – Even Martin Scorsese’s ballshit movies are worth toasting.
9:59 – Leo forgot to mention that in 10,000 years people will be mentioning the name of Martin Scorsese because that will be the only name that Terl allows us to use, us being an endangered species and all.
9:58 – Deniro is owning!
9:57 – Robert Deniro is the Leonardo DiCaprio of Deniros.
9:53 – He had a huge Jew killing opportunity and fucked it up!
9:51- Christolph Waltz wins. Which makes Josep Tango enraged.
9:50 – Halle Berry is having a wardrobe malfunction. That she’s wearing one.
9:46 – Best Supporting Actress is Chloe Sevigny for blowing Vincent Gallo’s small. Best Actress Who Needs No Support is Christina Hendricks.
9:45 – Here’s that prick bitch from vampussy.
9:42 – I wonder if I can find the right combination of pills and booze to end this show early.
9:40 – Vincent Kartheiser is on a winning stage in Hollywood.
9:38 – Mad Men wins, which is fine. Just so long as fucking House is avoided because it’s fucking the same show every time.
9:37 – Way to employ Cloverfield‘s cameramen, Golden Globes!
9:35 – The White Ribbon wins. Atlanta still hasn’t gotten that fucking film.
9:35 – I hate when a room does a slowly rising standing ovation. It’s fake as fuck. How many people in that room REALLY jacked off to Sophia Loren?
9:34 – The Glimmer Man came on Sophia Loren’s shoulders.
9:28 – For folks wondering what the fuck Sinbad (his real name isn’t Sinbad. It’s Jason and the Argonauts) was doing on a television, it’s because he was in a commercial for the new season of that retarded Donald Trump show.
9:27 – Best actor in a TV series goes to Alec Baldwin because it takes brass balls to sell real estate.
9:27 – Ashton Kutcher has a career.
9:25 – I really like Up in the Air, but how does Quentin not win this fucking thing?
9:24 – Best screenplay goes to Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner because fuck the planet Earth.
9:23 – It’s not complicated. Clown needs kids, kills ‘em.
9:22 – Cameron Diaz is still A-List. This fact blows my mind clean off.
9:20 – I’m tired of seeing Christopher Guest’s crew repurposed for commercials.
9:16 – Drew Barrymore wins for Grey Gardens. If she doesn’t thank the Cat’s Eye troll she’s a bitch.
9:15 – That was a ‘Drew Barrymore’s chin scares the fuck out of me’ joke.
9:14 – They’re playing chin music!
9:13 – Every series Warwick Davis appears in is a miniseries.
9:12 – Kevin Bacon wins for Taking Chance and for taking his pants off in The Woodsman.
9:11 – Miss Saldana is pants shatteringly hot in real life, onscreen, and in my nightly dreams.
9:10 – Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time. Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time.
Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time.
9:09 – Helen Mirren is still hot.
9:08 – Sinbad just called himself one of the most successful comedians of all time.
9:03 – A Meryl Streep walks into a bar. Right before this broadcast.
9:03 – Meryl Streep is a great being. I have no jokes about her.
9:01 – The Golden Globe for dames and broads goes to Meryl Streep for Raul Julia and Julia Ormond.
9:00 – Colin Farrell adds “Oh balls…” to the Globe lexicon.
8:58 – Snubbed for a Globe, baby alien from District 9. He gave me his prepared speech:
8:57 – Jeanne Tripplehorn is sitting back there wishing she were being chased around a raft by Kim Coates.
8:54 – Grey Gardens wins the Golden Globe. And the Instant Naptime Award.
8:53 – Someone came like hell in Amy Adams.
8:51 – Tangent, went to see Avatar today. Went to piss and two ladies of around 30 were leaving halfway through the movie. “It’s good but we have shopping to do, girl!”. They then squealed and went on to buy shit to cover their undesirable flesh. Avatar succeeds because female shoppers see halves at a time.
8:48 – Up was great, but not because of its music. A dumb win. Should have been Marvin Hamlisch.
8:48 – Best score goes to Harrison Ford’s pot dealer.
8:46 – Crazy Heart wins a deserved Globe because it’s great and the others are ball shit.
8:46 – Cher looks like someone rammed a siliconemobile into a snowmobile.
8:45 – It’s like looking at living CGI!
8:45 – OK, Gervais played with Sir Paul. That’s good.
8:42 – Harrison Ford unloaded a fucking corker with that ‘lucky guy’ joke. Is he going to die onstage? Did he catch AIDS of the Curmudgeon?
8:40 – Brendan Fraser needs to change his goddamn haircut.
8:38 – Back to the scotch. The American Honey wasn’t enough to get me through this.
8:36 – Julianna Margulies wins. Which is fucking weird.
8:35 – Dexter gets a globe! Michael C. Hall isn’t winning because he has cancer. It’s because he’s one of the best fucking actors on television.
8:35 – If Hugh Laurie wins again I’ll rape Hugh Laurie.
8:34 – Neil Patrick Harris said ‘straight face’.
8:33 – A million bucks and a Golden Globe will get you a million bucks.
8:30 – Ricky Gervais isn’t proving that English comedy doesn’t work here. It’s that he’s wrong for the gig.
8:28 – Penelope Cruz is delightful to look at.
8:24 – Pete Docter looks like the son of Frankenstein’s Monster and Ben Stiller’s Monster.
8:22 – Best Animated Feature is Up. Should have been Mr. Fox.
8:21 – Paul McCartney is a mixture of very classy and very assy.
8:19 – I love Lithgow very much. Such a pro. Damn, the chemo is happening to Michael C. Hall. Get better sir.
8:18 – I wasn’t blown away by Lithgow in the last Dexter season. Is that wrong? AND OF COURSE HE WINS.
8:17 – Alfre’s cocking presents…
8:14 – Imagine what Mo’nique’s going to smell like in about two hours. Not precious.
8:13 – I’m sick of this fucking show already.
8:11 – Toni Collette’s the statue for her work in The United States of Tara.
8:10 – Matthew Fox is the surprise villain of Vantage Point.
8:09 – Fat quotient, MET.
8:08 – I wrote that and hit SEND before they announced it. Because “DUH!”. Now she’s thanking God for giving her Beerfest.
8:08 – Best Supporting Actress goes to Mo’Nique because there was a dearth of oddly placed punctuation marks.
8:07 – Ladies and gentlemen, the star of The Invasion!
8:06 – So far, Ricky isn’t great.
7:59 – They should have a show called Biggest Gainer, get a bunch of perfectly fit people and see who can get fused to the couch first. Then they cut them out of the house and they die. But they look just like their audience!
7:56 – I don’t know the names of these hosts, and I think that means I’m a success in life… but really, someone should suicide bomb them.
7:54 – I will never watch True Blood. All of the virtues people brag about aren’t virtues to me.
7:51 – This is the first I have heard of another Kill Bill movie. I hope it goes the way of The Vega Brothers and Another 48 Deathproofs.
7:49 – Because we didn’t have enough goddamn Kill Bill… SPOILER: The villain is a closet).
7:47 – Quentin looks healthier than he has in a long while.
7:47 – Jumbo jet.
7:43 – Do not do a drinking game tonight based on mentions of the word ‘Haiti’ unless you have a hooker Shue to see you on your way.
7:41 – Julia Roberts looks good. Colin Farrell’s eyebrows will one day usurp the rest of his face AND THEN WHERE WILL HE BE?
7:40 – If I was a megastar I’d create a fictional fashion magnate named Your Mother’s Fat Fucking Ass And Face. So when some douche asks me I can tell them I’m wearing your mother’s fat fucking ass and face and mean it.
7:36 – Tobey handled the SPIDEY WTF question very well. I’d have ripped off my tux, squatted, and done a brown carpet interview.
7:35 – “I couldn’t eat much food and I had to work out a lot.” – Tobey Maguire on his preparation for Brothers. It’s cutting-edge revelations like this on TV gleaned from deep insight that showcase just how amateur we internet folks are.
7:33 – Harvey Weinstein and Eli Roth standing together. Where’s an anvil when you need it?
7:32 – Because she sounds like a fucking dolphin.
7:30 – Mariah Carey’s breasts have always seemed amorphous to me. I have no interest in them. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or rather, Mariah failed in having hot tits. Then again, they’re just bulbous from where they took her pectoral dolphin fins.
Here’s your winner’s list, Updated as they win. Winners marked in RED.
Best Motion Picture – Drama
The Hurt Locker
Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Up In The Air
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Emily Blunt – The Young Victoria
Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side
Helen Mirren – The Last Station
Carey Mulligan – An Education
Gabourey Sidibe – Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
Jeff Bridges – Crazy Heart
George Clooney – Up In The Air
Colin Firth – A Single Man
Morgan Freeman – Invictus
Tobey Maguire – Brothers
Best Motion Picture – Musical Or Comedy
(500) Days Of Summer
Julie & Julia
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy
Sandra Bullock – The Proposal
Marion Cotillard – Nine
Julia Roberts – Duplicity
Meryl Streep – It’s Complicated
Meryl Streep – Julie & Julia
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical Or Comedy
Matt Damon – The Informant!
Daniel Day-Lewis – Nine
Robert Downey Jr. – Sherlock Holmes
Joseph Gordon-Levitt – (500) Days Of Summer
Michael Stuhlbarg – A Serious Man
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Penélope Cruz – Nine
Vera Farmiga – Up In The Air
Anna Kendrick – Up In The Air
Mo’nique – Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Julianne Moore – A Single Man
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Matt Damon – Invictus
Woody Harrelson – The Messenger
Christopher Plummer – The Last Station
Stanley Tucci – The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds
Best Animated Feature Film
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess And The Frog
Best Foreign Language Film
Broken Embraces (Spain)
The Maid (La Nana) (Chile)
A Prophet (Un Prophete) (France)
The White Ribbon (Das Weisse Band – Eine Deutsche Kindergeschichte) (Germany)
Best Director – Motion Picture
Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker
James Cameron – Avatar
Clint Eastwood – Invictus
Jason Reitman – Up In The Air
Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
District 9- Written by Neill Blomkamp, Terri Tatchell
The Hurt Locker -Written by Mark Boal
Inglourious Basterds – Written by Quentin Tarantino
It’s Complicated – Written by Nancy Meyers
Up In The Air – Written by Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner
Best Original Score – Motion Picture
Up Composed by Michael Giacchino
The Informant! Composed by Marvin Hamlisch
Avatar Composed by James Horner
A Single Man Composed by Abel Korzeniowski
Where The Wild Things Are Composed by Karen O and Carter Burwell
Best Original Song – Motion Picture
“Cinema Italiano” – Nine
“I See You” – Avatar
“I Want To Come Home” – Everybody’s Fine
“The Weary Kind (Theme From Crazy Heart)” – Crazy Heart
“Winter” – Brothers
Best Television Series – Drama
Big Love (HBO)
Mad Men (AMC)
True Blood (HBO)
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Drama
Glenn Close – Damages (FX NETWORK)
January Jones – Mad Men (AMC)
Julianna Margulies – The Good Wife (CBS)
Anna Paquin – True Blood (HBO)
Kyra Sedgwick – The Closer (TNT)
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Drama
Simon Baker – The Mentalist (CBS)
Michael C. Hall – Dexter (SHOWTIME)
Jon Hamm – Mad Men (AMC)
Hugh Laurie – House (FOX)
Bill Paxton – Big Love (HBO)
Best Television Series – Musical Or Comedy
30 Rock (NBC)
Modern Family (ABC)
The Office (NBC)
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Musical Or Comedy
Toni Collette – United States Of Tara (SHOWTIME)
Courteney Cox – Cougar Town (ABC)
Edie Falco – Nurse Jackie (SHOWTIME)
Tina Fey – 30 Rock (NBC)
Lea Michele – Glee (FOX)
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Musical Or Comedy
Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock (NBC)
Steve Carell – The Office (NBC)
David Duchovny – Californication (SHOWTIME)
Thomas Jane – Hung (HBO)
Matthew Morrison – Glee (FOX)
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Georgia O’Keeffe (LIFETIME)
Grey Gardens (HBO)
Into The Storm (HBO)
Little Dorrit (PBS)
Taking Chance (HBO)
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Joan Allen – Georgia O’Keeffe (LIFETIME)
Drew Barrymore – Grey Gardens (HBO)
Jessica Lange – Grey Gardens (HBO)
Anna Paquin – The Courageous Heart Of Irena (CBS)
Sigourney Weaver – Prayers For Bobby (LIFETIME)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Kevin Bacon – Taking Chance (HBO)
Kenneth Branagh – Wallander: One Step Behind (BBC)
Chiwetel Ejiofor – Endgame (PBS)
Brendan Gleeson – Into The Storm (HBO)
Jeremy Irons – Georgia O’Keeffe (LIFETIME)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Jane Adams – Hung (HBO)
Rose Byrne – Damages (FX NETWORK)
Jane Lynch – Glee (FOX)
Janet McTeer – Into The Storm (HBO)
Chloe Sevigny – Big Love (HBO)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Michael Emerson – Lost (ABC)
Neil Patrick Harris – How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
William Hurt – Damages (FX NETWORK)
John Lithgow – Dexter (SHOWTIME)
Jeremy Piven – Entourage (HBO)