Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don’t say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.
This week’s entry:
The Maid (La Nana)
(Elephant Eye Films; Dir. Sebastián Silva)
Introduction:
Some movies are meant to be funny, and some movies are not. I have no idea which one we’re looking at here, but I’m laughing my ass off.
The Set Up:
A successful family of immigents have to deal with their severely dedicated maid, an illegal immigant named Señorita Doubtfire (Tommy Wiseau). It’s sort of a Single White Female situation but with Comet.
The Problem:
Señorita Doubtfire has a huge crush on the Mama Mia of the house.( I don’t know her name, so let’s just call her Elaine Smithee.) I’m thinking the crush is based on all the secret sex they have. That summation isn’t based on anything in the trailer but rather my deep understanding of how impossible it is not to bang the maid (anal).
The daughter of the Smithee household (we’ll call her Dallas) has finally hit puberty recently and is giving Elaine all kinds of teenage sass. This ruffles Señorita Doubtfire’s feather duster and she decides to make Dallas’ life a living hell in all the ways only a maid would think of. She wakes her up early in the morning with vacuuming, for one thing, and she always creams her at the home version of “The Price is Right.” Also, when cleaning the family pictures, she “accidentally” photoshops scratches onto Dallas’ face, thus erasing her from everyone’s memory of the pictured event forever. Finally, she shoves Dallas’s cat into a drawer. That doesn’t sound evil until you realize that the cat’s stomach had been dipped in banana pudding and the drawer is filled with chimpanzees and old people.
Eventually this crazy maid shit gets out of hand, and they have to let her go. But, according to the super-dramatic title cards, “replacing her is impossible” and “firing her is unthinkable”. So they instead opt for an extremely passive aggressive approach: cancel her checks and hire a younger, prettier cleaning lady. They say it’s just to “help the helper” but Señorita Doubtful knows bullshit from brown crayon. This new “helper” makes her eyes go from big to kind of bigger, which is Maid-ese for “Step off, bitch or I WILL pull your hair off!”
Sadly, the bitch don’t step off and her hair gets pulled off.
The Solution:
After Señorita Doubtfire pulls the new maid’s hair off, the family have a time-out in the back yard where it’s decided that if “replacing her is impossible” and “firing her is unthinkable” then they’re just going to have to kill her and get Catholic God’s forgiveness on Sunday. Unfortunately, their secret meeting was actually overheard due to a bug Señorita Doubtfire had installed in Mama Mia’s vagina years earlier.
Knowing that her days are numbered and there are still five pube-filled bathrooms to clean, Señorita Doubtfire locks the family out of their own house. This is sort of like the Cardinal no-no for the Maid Union. Their headquarters is notified right away thanks to a bug they had installed in Señorita Doubtfire’s vagina years earlier.
What they do is approach the house and asses the situation. Instead of breaking in, which they would have to pay for, they turn into a liquid form and come up through the drains. Señorita Doubtfire is an experienced maid, and she’s cleaned up after some horrific ass messes, but even she cannot keep up with FIVE overflowing drains. She puts up a good fight, but in the end they overtake her.
After a quick trial, they find her guilty of locking her rich employers out of the house she vowed to clean and is sentenced to death by bleach-juice, which they carry out immediately. Having done their job, the Maid Union disappear back down the drains.
The family, believing everything is fixed, enter their super clean house with sparkling smiles on their faces. These beautiful smiles crumble one they realize that Señorita Doubtfire is alive and well. She set up the new girl up to take her fall!
After this the family simply gives up and accepts Señorita Doubtfire as their forever maid. Dallas Smithee is going to college in a couple of months anyway. Fuck it.
Summation:
This movie might already be out. This movie might have come out twenty years ago.
Tommy Wiseau’s eyeballs are hilarious!