If you were hoping to see John Rhys-Davies show up in The Hobbit playing the father of his Lord of the Rings character Gimli, I have something to tell you. Take a seat, and have some of this peppermint tea. It’ll calm your nerves.

Phew. OK. I guess I should just say it. Ugh, this is just as hard for me to say as it is for you to hear, believe me.

John Rhys-Davies won’t be playing Gloin in The Hobbit.

Look at you. So brave. You’re really handling this better than I would have. Jesus, I remember when I heard that Stuart Townsend was out of the role of Aragorn I just threw up for hours. Weeping and puking. A whole day of that, mostly.

Hey, I know it’s easy for you to think that Rhys-Davies is turning down a role – one that was offered to him by the production – because of you. Don’t blame yourself. This isn’t because you didn’t buy enough Gimli toys or because you laughed at the picture of the girl with a hairy vagina that had been Photoshopped to include his helm and the words “And my axe!” This was a personal decision for Rhys-Davies – it’s about him, it’s not about you.

More specifically, it’s about his skin. The actor was famously tortured by the dwarf make-up when shooting Lord of the Rings, and he tells Empire that he doesn’t think he can handle more of that. But bright side! Rhys-Davies wants to still be friends, and he’s open to another role in the movie. Maybe as an elf.

Yeah, an elf. No, it’s good for you to laugh – it’ll help you get past this.