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columns that run a couple of times a month it’d be good to give folks a
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10/16 – Caution? That’s a selling point!


Photo by Nick Nunziata.

Every other product in the world should have a caution label:

WARNING: THIS PRODUCT DOES NOT BURN EYES. SORRY.


Of course it burns eyes! I mean, it’s a hot product [in this case a curling iron]. But does it JUST burn eyes? I bet it’d burn the meat of a man just as easy but why are only eyes mentioned? I put my cock in a curling iron and send my mankind to chartown, can I sue because the sign didn’t read “Caution – This Product Can Burn Eyes and Cocks”?

This also brings up another concern. Are eyes a certain kind of flammable? That’d suck to discover, huh? Like, flame obviously is no fun for your eyes but what if Barq’s Root Beer’s recipe for root beer was also secretly the recipe for eye incineration?

“I was having a root beer float during the earthquake and spilled it all over my face and now I have holes where my eyes were. Every thing I look at looks like root beer holocaust.”

Don’t specify eyes is what I’m saying. Be more general, it’s for your own good.

WARNING: IF SIZZLING HEAT IS YOUR CRAVING, THEN PLACE THIS ALL AROUND YOU.


Simple.