So, they really like wearing those bird flu masks in Asia, huh?

I guess to many it’s a matter of life and death. Because it IS. Because some people die from all these little Captain Trips molecules we’ve got flying around the sky these days. I get it. Sometimes it may be a good idea to cover your sniffler. In case a tainted individual walks by and coughs in your eye.

Wait the mask doesn’t cover the eye. YOU ARE FUCKED.

Either way, fuck a mask. I have done double takes several times in recent days as some loony walks by in a mask. I was at Target and an old bald dude masked right past me. I laughed. Suburban Targets are second only to African monkey rape bars when it comes to finding and receiving massive chunks of disease in your fuckin’ face. Get your damn mask off, jerk. Unless you’re sick as shit. Then, instead of masking around near me in public, stay home and breathe into your own.

This past week I saw the best masked Asians ever. Masians.

They were probably 70 years old. It was a couple. They looked every bit of those 70 years too. Hard road. They looked like Eric Roberts. Time and years of reality had driven motorcycles of grief over them. They looked like people to whom the dark stillness would be a welcome relief to. But they did not embrace the end. They battled death and his scythe by wearing masks!

Which is fine. I’m an asshole and sometimes insensitive to people who aren’t exactly me. I’m fine with that. They can have their masks. Just so long as they can handle when they get a few double takes from guys like me who don’t have many filters. I do the same thing with massively deformed people, giant breasts, or people with a set of ribs where their eyes are supposed to be [which MAY fit into the massively deformed subsection I just mentioned]. It’s human nature.

At least it’s my human nature because I’m rough as shit around the edges.

Here’s where the story gets jacked.

I’m behind them in the self-scan line. I prefer those lines even though the machine always fucks something up. I’m behind them because I don’t have a choice. There’s only two registers open and the one to my right has a couple whom I believe is paying for their groceries with a combination of stones and IOU Mesetas from Phantasy Star II. I boldly follow the elderly masked avengers.


Holy fuck.

They have approximately forty items. Each with their own mask. They went to the produce section and grabbed a thousand baggies. They then wrapped every item they planned to buy in their own little product mask.

Masked toothpaste.
Masked fruit.
Masked pens.
Masked Rice-a-Roni.
Masked batteries.
Masked ice cream.
Masked Skittles.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they bought a fucking box of masks and masked that shit up too.

What is this, The Hot Zone?

First of all olds… you love life so much, you just wasted an extra hour of life bagging up Planet Earth in the least sick town in town. You wasted valuable life. Yours and mine. And judging by the look of you, you don’t enjoy survival at all so what’s the point? Suck the air free of the mask. Maybe you’ll die, maybe you won’t. But at least you won’t be a masked asshole in an affluent suburb far away from the scene of whatever outbreak you fear…

I stood there in awe. This was actually happening.

Then I went in the shitty line, bought my shit, and went outside and sucked the air like it was filled with candy.

Ain’t dead yet.