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STUDIO: Paramount
MSRP: $19.99
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 100 min
SPECIAL FEATURES:
 

  • Commentary
  • Creating The Legend
  • Going Balls Out
  • Orientation Video
  • Decatur
  • Teacher’s Pets
  • Bloopers
  • Van’s Party Supplies
  • Pranks 101

The Pitch

It’s Van Wilder, except without Ryan Reynolds and not funny.

The Humans

Director: Harv Glazer

Writer: Todd McCullough based on characters by Brent Goldberg and David Wagner

Cinematographer: Shawn Maurer

Cast: Jonathan Bennett, Kristin Cavallari, Jerry Shea, Nestor Aaron Absera, Kurt Fuller, Stevel Talley, Nic Nac

The Nutshell

You have seen how great Van Wilder is, Now see how it all began.


The Lowdown

Van Wilder: Freshman Year begins with Van Wilder at his high school graduation. Everyone loves him and he has accomplished everything there was to do in high school. He gives the commencement speech and in the middle of the speech the valedictorian comes up from under the podium and gives Van a blow job while he makes a number of unfunny innuendos. After the speech, he greets his dad and learns that he is expected to go to college just like his father, his father before him and his father before him. When he arrives, he finds that the Dean of Coolidge does not like him and will do everything he can to make Van’s life hell.

So far, so generic.


Actually, it never gets better. The original Van Wilder is a very funny movie brought to life by its charismatic star Ryan Reynolds. New Wilder actor Jonathan Bennett attempts his best Reynolds impersonation but fails. He comes across as more of a Ferris Bueller clone, except nowhere near as entertaining. He goes through all the beats from the original film as we learn why he tells people to “write that down” and where his dog came from, but the laughs are generic and predictable. Actually, the laughs are nonexistent and every setup is dumber than the one that came before.


There is absolutely nothing in this movie you have not seen before. A man gets a blow job from a dog. A group of assholes are tricked into smearing shit all over their faces. A group of Christian girls have vibrators places under their chairs which Wilder controls using a remote, causing them all to orgasm in a church service. Van Wilder falls for the main jerk’s girl, wins her over, and eventually puts the punk in his place. It is Van Wilder, Revenge of the Nerds, Animal House, and just about every other college comedy rolled into one unfunny package.

There are homosexual slurs. There are blatant racial stereotypes and jokes at the expense of anyone from the Chinese to the Jamaicans. There is no group this movie does not slander and, unlike a TV show like South Park, nothing in these slurs is remotely funny. There is the token Chinese man who Van Wilder nicknames “You” and when we reach a twist at the end of the movie it makes Wilder look like an even bigger asshole.


You are supposed to cheer for your protagonist. When the original Van Wilder ended, the main character learned a valuable lesson and helped people along the way. Hell, look at the classic comedy Real Genius to see how this story is supposed to play out. In this movie, Van Wilder wins the day, the girl and ousts the jerk running the school. And he does it all for himself. He is a pompous arrogant ass and there is nothing redeemable about his character. I have heard a lot of talk about how Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is about a spoiled, arrogant kid who gets his way for no reason except to break the rules. Van Wilder: Freshman Year makes Bueller look like a Saint.

At least in the unrated version there are lots of boobs. Without those, Van Wilder’s freshman year would earn an F.


The Package

There is an audio commentary track with the director and actors Nic Nac, Steve Tally, Jonathan Bennett and Kristin Cavallari. They seem to be having lots of fun with this track. Imagine Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s comedy tracks, except with most of the humor not being funny.

The “making of” follows the same footsteps as the commentary track with the cast and crew. This is not meant to be informative about the making of the movie and is instead a glad handed effort full of bad jokes. Going Balls Out: Colossus focuses on the best actor in the movie, Champ the dog. There is a small fluff piece with the cast, in character, talking about how great it is to go to Coolidge.

Decatur is a nine minute spoof of The Hills. It also is not funny. Teacher’s Pets is all about the girls who provide the only entertainment in the movie. There are about seven minutes of outtakes. Van’s Party Supplies talks to the guy who supplied all the props (like dildos) for the movie. Pranks 101 talks to the cast about the pranks they have pulled on other people. It’s actually funny. Overall, there is nothing to see on this DVD at all.


1.5 out of 10