Here Lies Nick’s Innocence

1972 – 2009


A few minutes ago I passed flabbergasted and proceeded straight to slumberfucked. By accident I discovered what may be the best thing that has ever happened since film was burned to light and people decided to eat popcorn at it. I’m not talking ‘Someone was smart enough to cast Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark’ brilliant or even when Hitchcock did his Dolly Zoom. I’m talking something so mystifying that I took pause and actually held my breath before clicking a link to see if my wettest dream could actually come true.

Guess who played Genghis Khan in a movie that was never finished but thanks to the magic of the cosmos, will end up being seen by human being eyes?

Don’t cheat. Think hard, scholars. If you ran Hollywood and could choose from the pick of the litter of people.

Who would be the perfect dude to play this guy:

Well, how’s about this guy:

With the now defeated Pat Morita and Charlton Heston as supporting players in the Most Important Movie Ever Made, Richard Tyson was chosen to play the Asian as fuck conqueror. Richard Tyson’s entire career has led to this moment. All the sneering in Three O’Clock High. All of the Fennpumping in Two Moon Junction. All of the gradeschool terror of Kindergarten Cop. All of the barely in Black Hawk Down was prelude for this. Read forever of Genghis [English Translation: Buddy Revell] and his accomplishments here. Tell me it doesn’t reek of Richard Tyson material.

The film was made in the early 90’s by the director of Battle of the Bulge but never finished. This year, Ken Annakin the director became one with the Force at the ripe old age of 94. His degree of translucence: UNKNOWN.

In an effort to capitalize on Tyson’s strong New Hampshire fan base, they are hastily re-editing the film and releasing in under the title Genghis Khan: Story of a Lifetime because there’s already a film called Genghis Khan: What the Fuck is Going On? I cannot wait. I love Richard Tyson more than yeast.

Really want to start your weekend with 11,000 smiles? THERE’S YOUTUBE VIDEO OF RICHARD TYSON ROCKING YOUR PLANET.

I’ll sit back and let the magic ooze over you in bursts.

I hope he doesn’t Mongol the accent.

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