Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don’t say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.

This week’s entry
My One and Only
(Dir. Richard Loncraine)

Female empowerment comes in many shapes and forms, but only in Hollywood does it come from sleeping your way across the country in search of a Sugar Daddy.

The Set Up:
Some lady wearing a puffy, non-expressive Renée Zellweger Halloween mask stars in this film as a woman who must redefine her life now that her husband (Kevin Bacon) has cheated on her. It’s going to take her an entire movie to realize that fucking rich men will not help–she must first learn to masturbate.

The broken-up parents have two teenage boys together, and she steals them along with all his money. (This film seems to take place in a 1990’s version of the 1960’s.) One is talkative, smart, and dreamy, sort of an Emile Hirsch for cleaner young women who still love God.

The other brother is something of a Wildcard, but I’m voting for quiet, stupid, and ugly. The only time we hear him speak at all, he’s screaming and comically shooting people in the feet. Maybe I’m taking too much away from just one trailer, but this kid feels like the most ignored child in movie history. His mother never even looks at him. His brother never even looks at him. His father never even looks at him. His role in the mees-in-seen is to stand there looking potentially explosive. That he gets a gun at some point is the only hope I have for this movie.

The Problem:
This is one of those trailers that gives away entirely too much information. The trailer tracks (haha) the family’s progress through three stops, each with their own potential fella and his accompanying problem which puts him out of contention.

First, there’s Boston. Here she finds an army guy, Colonel Bigg. He seems nice enough. But when he gets alone with the kids (seen here symbolically as just the one handsome kid), he lets his true Alpha colors shine. The kids (seen here symbolically as just the one handsome kid) do not take this authority seriously. Pretty soon, Colonel Bigg can no longer contain his macho evil in the face of such sassy brats, and it boils to the surface when he calls the boys (seen here symbolically as just the one handsome kid) a turd. Zellwegermask sees this just in time to avoid turning her handsome son’s life into This Boys Life II.

Second, she goes to Pittsburg to hook up with Will& from Will & Grace. Things here appear to be actually quite nice for the boys. He’s rich and throws big parties on the front lawn. On top of that, he has a smoking hot daughter! Unfortunately, that hot daughter gives youthful sass to the rapidly melting Zellwegermask, and it’s kind of a deal breaker. Onward and downward we go!

Third she hits St. Louis to meet up with David Koechner, the last actor on earth I would imagine in a film like this. Even IMDB can’t believe he’s involved. Look, David Koechner is a funny guy, however, I cannot help but associate his face with farting. It’s sort of like putting John Heder or Urkel in a Holocaust flick. Anyway, the trailer tells us that he cannot be the Sugar Daddy simply because he’s already married.

One gets the feeling by now that the trailer’s as fed up with this shit as we are.

The Solution:
There’s one more stop in this merry movie: Hollywood, and it leads to our movie’s final problem. See, after running all over the place trying hard to be a colloquial prostitute, Zellwegermask realizes she had it best with her cheating Kevin Bacon and tries to go back. But her return must be on her terms. Things are different for her now; she’s not the woman she once was; she’s stronger, strong enough to go back to the guy she dumped back when she was weaker and wouldn’t put up with that kind of shit.

The problem is that now she has crabs, and he won’t take her back. Not only that, but her kids (seen here symbolically as just the one handsome kid) don’t want to hang out with her anymore either. Handsome son mentions 1960’s psychology, so maybe he’s privy to the fact that kids with mothers who sleep with men for money either become serial killers or vigilantes. Basically, they want to hang out with Dad because at least he has the good taste to be a man when he sleeps around, and a musician at that. He’s also Kevin Bacon, man. The only bacon Linda McCartney will eat.

There has to be a happy ending, so I guess the Baconator eventually takes her back. Unless…

See, there’s a couple things bugging me about this trailer. I’ve been going on and on about how much movie it gives away, but I may actually be wrong. The reason for this comes with the cast list. We see everyone already in the trailer, but then both Steven Webber and Nick Stahl show up out of nowhere. What kind of roles do they play? I’m looking especially close at Weber, who sports a tux while popping a cork off some champagne.

I’m also still not sure about the scene with the gun. So let’s just say she hooks up with Steven Webber. They get married, but on their honeymoon Nick Stahl and his gang of bad guys try to rob them. Just when things looks the worst, her completely forgotten son gets out of the back seat where he’s been the whole movie and shoots all the bad guys in the feet. Nick Stahl appreciates his moxie and adopts him as his own son, and he is never ignored again. (I believe this is Nick Stahl’s last film appearance since he overdosed on marijuana while filming The Informers, if I heard correctly. What a waste.) That all seems like a pretty happy ending to me. Or she just ends up with Kevin Bacon, and that’s very happy too. Can I please go to sleep now?

This movie is like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus for women who love Sarah Palin. I’m also pretty sure this movie is how Tyler Perry sees white people. If this were actually a Tyler Perry film starring Sarah Palin it wouldn’t look any different except it’d have me with my face smeared against the ticket window waiting for it to open so I can buy the first one hundred and hand them out to homeless people cause the world needs to see this shit.