What

follows is a scattershot bit of staff and reader submitted photos that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the world around us. Submit images HERE, and comment on the thread HERE. Also, please post links on your Facebook, Twitter, or Digg accounts if you want to help keep us swaddled in sweetness.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. Fancy Moments in Signage #329.



Photo by Casey.


What could have happened here so concussive and dire that they needed to hastily scrawl a warning letter with the margins facing the wrong way and concoct a makeshift baggie to prohibit anything from getting in?

Or out.

I’m nightmaring at the thought of it.



2. Well then sucks your town.



Photo by Dave Oliver.


What’s worse than puppet Yoda?

Hastily CGI’d Yoda.

What’s worse than hastily CGI’d Yoda?

Cartoon Yoda.

What’s worse than cartoon Yoda?

You dying.





3. Missing Bumper Sticker: FUGEESGR8.



Photo by Evan Dickson.


The official license plate of 1993. The owner of this car waited long and hard for this little gem to arrive in the mail. He thought he was never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it.

No he was never gonna get it.




4. This car needs to drive upupdowndownleftrightleftright  off a cliff.


Photo by Evan Dickson.


“Well my friend it appears your custom license plate has arrived. You have a look of satisfaction about you.”


“It shows, huh? Well I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m freaking dripping glee out of my pores.”


“So COIN OP was taken, huh? But you weren’t going to let that slow you down were you, how many variation on the spelling did you try?”


“What do you mean? This is the correct spelling.”


“Really? what were you doing during English class in your formative years?”



“Burgertime.”





5. And she bought a fucking FORD.


Photo by Evan Dickson.


Billed as Provo Utah’s own Gordon Gekko, the 375lb and weirdly balding April Saginaw has used her market cunning to secure a nice down payment on a Ford hatchback and a really bitchin’ flowerpot. The future’s so bright for April, she’s gotta wear shades. And stirrup pants.



6. $5.88 is very pennywise.



Photo by Jacob Pappe.


“Mommy I’m hungry for a sweetened clown’s head.”


“Again? Well let’s all head down to Denbrough’s Bakery and you can also pick out some harlequin cookies and a clownnoli for your sister.”




7. 20% off to anyone who brings a soil sample from the capture room to the store.



Photo by Joey Amspacher.


This store has a very focused clientele:

Mini-whores.
Tweens who pound dick.
The Collector.


And the costumer for the upcoming sequel To Wong Foo Two, Thanks for Everything, Peter Dinklage.



8. Did one of the Barbarian Brothers have a sex change?


Photo by John Makarewicz.


“Hello I am major league baseball player Jason Marquis and I like to dress as a woman while giving a chicken the business.”

Seriously, it’s hard to give a fuck about how safe a chicken is when Colossus is a girl and holding it. Look at the neck of this person. The jawline could cut diamonds.

From Page 4 of this document:

“…chickens are injected with so many steroids these days that a visit to KFC is likely to engorge your wife shenis to the point of cataclysm. She will strangle you with meat and carry you into the catacombs for a liquid feeding before punching mountains off the face of the Earth and screaming to the Heavens so mightily that the sea pisses itself and drains to the core, extinguishing it and all of humanity except your screaming, penised new ex-wife.”




9. Well let me know when your clothes are 100% off, honey.



Photo by John P.


Thursday I’m going to buy the Grand Canyon, The Statue of Liberty, and the moon. I know what you’re thinking, but fuck the Sun. I cannot afford to buy all of the shit that’s outside at regular prices but the bargain hunter in me can’t pass up a good 50% off sale. Fuck it, throw in Yankee Stadium and a few random forests. Man, there’s so much cool shit outside. If they bump it to 75% off, the Black Sea is MINE.

Also a bargain, four crutches for a dollar.

Fuck it, if he happens to be outside at the time I’ll also buy Ed Harris.



10. There aren’t 50 great vampires.



Photo by Mark Pezzula.


Those are the three vampires they showcase in their 50 GREATEST VAMPIRES OF ALL TIME article. The sound you hear is me closing the book on any integrity SFX may have had after years of pimping lame 5th tier science fiction franchises.

This is really happening? Trees perished for this shit?




11. What is is with Fords and idiot owners?



Photo by Mark Pezzula.


I hope their personal driver is Dany Heatley.




12. The guy who made this sign probably reads Terry Pratchett. Or Douglas Addams. Or Christopher Moore.


Photo by Mark Pezzula.


Because it’s clever-cute, too much for its own good. Fuck this sign, it’s gone from fun to overdone in the span of this sentence.



13. I Bike in Peace.



Photo by Matt Garretson.


Poor guy’s never been the same since the ‘accident’. He’s still not getting much music out of the baseball cards in his CD player.




14. The saddest room in the world.



Photo by Mat Garretson.


As if the line between Bud Light and piss wasn’t blurry enough.



15. I can’t decide which place to wipe first!



Photo by Matt Turner.


It’s like the Chinatown of wiping tools.

“It’s my ass!” SLAP “It’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!” “It’s my ass!” SLAPIt’s my face!”

JOHN HUSTON

FUCKED ME.





16. Because Hymen Shatter: The Home Game was taken.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Though the ideas of tween girls intertwined at odd junctures pleases me immensely, the addition of ‘pink’ to anything instantly turns it into SEX TOWN. Actually, now that I think of it, this is the best game ever made.




17. Where’s the anchovy Oskar Schindler when you need him?



Photo by Nick Nunziata.



“Excuse me sir, what aisle is this?”


“Aisle number 8.”



“But there’s no sign telling me what category I’m in.”



“Hmmm, it must have fallen. You’re in Aisle 8, the ‘What the fuck kind of store is this’ aisle. We have the finest selection of things no one’s body can accept. If you get a moment we have a ‘buy one get one free’ on the pewter pancakes and the milk-fed scorpion poison barbs”.



18. How is this not in the Adam & Eve catalog?



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I hope this company is hiring. They approved THAT NAME, and THAT PHOTOGRAPH. These tough times we’re having to live in are going to be totally worth if it leads to shit like this. They say the best art comes of our the darkest days. Well, it’s obviously all downhill from this moment on.






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“My two favorite things are ice cream and sleeping bags but my worst thing is spiders and they like those things too.”




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