Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don’t say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.

This week’s entry:
All About Steve
(Fox; Dir. Phil Traill)

All About Steve deals to us from several decks at once. It’s a romantic comedy, sure, but it also belongs to a special genre invented by William Shakespeare’s seminal Forrest Gump, the “Retard With Heart of Gold Melts Heart of Wax” genre. I also detect a hint of “Slobs vs. Snobs” since the good guy is a camera man for the bad guy, who is a reporter. If you prefer, we can rename this, “Production vs. Talent” or even “Lowell vs. Not-Lowell”.

It’s directed by someone named Phil Traill (the 2nd “L” is a sign of bullshit, not a typo), and produced by the same person who brought you Miss Congeniality and Two Weeks Notice: Sandra Bullock’s Mom. Whoever it is, if they’re not already having sex with her it’s time to give up. Let her go, man, it’s okay. She’s been with Matthew McConaughay. Even lesbians cannot compete with that dude in the sack.

The Set Up:
The preview immediately introduces us to Sandra Bullock’s character’s eccentricity (her name is Mary), but offers us no explanation for it. Lucky, I’m good at this sort of thing. My guess is that at age twelve Mary dove into the shallow end of the pool and disrupted part of her brains with sudden concrete. As a result, she has the mind of a Hanson fan trapped in a body which constantly screams at her, “GET ME PREGNANT NOW, BITCH!” If I’m right about this, then Mary’s hair in the film is actually a sly bit of characterization and not just an attempt to get her hired at Claire’s.

More proof she either has a kid or is one? Her stupid conversation with the fireman takes place in front of a rainbow-colored “career day” banner. I suppose she could be a Kindegarten teacher, but that sucks. Oh, and I almost forgot, the accident left her with the surprising gift of super-speed (but only on stairs) (and only when she wears her big red boots).

So Mary gets a date with a really hot guy (Bradley Cooper). The date’s pretty awkward and horrible for him, but she’s into it enough to put out. Since they’re in the comfortable privacy of his leased SUV, he decides the night might not be a complete waste after all. He’s a big enough asshole to know that sex with virgin head-injury girls is paradoxical miracle, like being with a skinny fat girl.

The Problem:
Unfortunately, Hurricane Cockblock hits Florida and he has to get to work post-haste and pre-taste. She takes his perfunctory “Later, Babe!” literally and decides to meet him in Florida. This is quite an odyssey for her because now that Obama is PUSA, people with brain-scrambling head injuries are no longer able to drive cars. To get over this hurdle she charms her way into a trucker’s truck. I’m sure a lot of comedy is derived from him trying to touch her Moon Pies, and a hilarious rape seen is waiting for those who pony up for the unrated DVD!

It also looks like she’s going to have to do battle with a real CG tornado. I think her simple childlike charm will tame the Nado which will offer her a nimbus cloud to Florida. Once there, she easily tracks down her hunk of hunk and tries to break off a chunky chunk. Seeing him again makes her happier than that time she got backstage passes to the Naked Brothers and her adult braces off ALL ON THE SAME DAY!

But he doesn’t like her. Now who’s acting like a child, Cooper?

The Solution:
Right now, we are likely forty minutes into the film. That means we have fifty-five more for Steve to go from being really mean and trying to ditch her, to seeing how her being “special” makes her genuinely special. Unlike Cooper’s most recent film, The Hangover, this one’s going to hold him accountable for being a cocky dickhead. To contrast this growth, we have Lowell as an even bigger asshole who will hurt Mary the more Steve falls in love with her. Lowell will pay for this with his life, like Jason Alexander did in the Penny Marshal cut of Pretty Woman.

Having accepted her for who she is, the newly married couple kiss. Immediately her red boots begin to glow brighter and brighter until no one can even look at them anymore. Finally the flash dies down, and Steve is amazed to find that Mary has transformed into Megan Fox, except whenever she nags at him $100 bills fall out her mouth. Everybody’s happy because the whole thing was really just about Steve all along!

I would consider watching this movie if it were called Keith David Laughs At a Girl Getting Hurt on TV for Two Hours, but it’s not, so this could be the greatest movie ever made, and I’ll never know it. (I just conjuncted the SHIT out that shit!)


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