I know what a lot of you thought when you watched the Brutal Legend soundtrack being announced- UGH, what’s all this horrible metal doing in there? I want my videogames about Jack Black fighting demons in a world made of skulls and fire to have a soundtrack without all this doom and gloom and unpronounceable names! Dimmu Borgir? Apostasy? They sound more like diseases than bands to me! And who on God’s green Earth would listen to a band named Carcass? Who can listen to that noise all day, I mean, sheesh!

Thankfully you don’t need to subject yourself to that horrible racket! I’ve included a list of bands and songs that will not only make you feel good inside, but they just might bring a tear to your eye as well! And your soul will be safe from all of that demonic devil music!

Rascal Flats

You ever sit around crying, thinking about all the beauty in the world? You ever think that Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” is a great song but that big lipped singer gets a little too loud and screeching at parts? Rascal Flatts is here for you! This touching and not at all melodramatic music video is all about death, and has a wicked guitar solo. It doesn’t get more “brutal” than that!
Belle and Sebastian

First off, these guys are from Scotland, but don’t let that deter you! Unlike every other Scotsman you’ve met they’re not mean, obnoxious drunkards! No, Belle and Sebastian was formed entirely to prove that Scots can be pussies too! And pussies they are! When they’re not singing about having sex with priests you won’t find more emotional music than this!

Justin Bieber

Another Canadian import that we just can’t do without like Celine Dion or Avril Lavigne, Justin Bieber is about to take the world by storm! Check out his first hit single that features him partying with lots of jailbait in none other than Usher’s house!!!  The kid isn’t old enough to drive and his balls haven’t dropped yet but when has that deterred a marketing team? Also, there’s nothing cooler than a dorky white kid hanging out at old R&B singer’s houses, doling out knowledge about love and relationships! Swoon!!!


If we absolutely NEED to hear someone screaming, how about these nice fresh-faced boys? They sure look slick in their Range Rovers, drinking 40s like those urban people do (and by urban I mean black.) The vocalists created the band’s name because they felt BROKEN INSIDE because of all their relationship problems, mostly stemming to the fact that they’re wiggers who can’t sing or dress themselves! But despite being born with mental defects they’ve overcome their shortcomings and engaged in such lively tours as their Get F$cked Up tour! Watch out America!

Death Cab for Cutie

Do you like Weezer but wish they wouldn’t get so extreme and dark sometimes? Death Cab’s for you! I wish more bands had great haircuts like these guys!

Air Supply

The beating of my heart is a drum, and it’s lost
And it’s looking for a rhythm like you

Does music get more beautiful than this? I submit that it does not. With a beautiful voice that sounds like Freddie Mercury if he had been even more of a flaming homosexual, Air Supply is easily one of the greatest bands ever made, and they just won’t stop touring! Besides, what other band do you know has songs in both Ghostbusters AND Arachnophobia?

So there you have it! Just a few great alternatives to those horrific bands like 3 Inches of Blood and Slayer that have polluted that Brutal Legend game! Pop some of these on your hard drive and you’ll be able to enjoy decapitating cult members with Jack Black in peace and quiet!

(Many, many thanks to all my friends and family members who suggested so many great bands and put them all in my head today! I only hope to have spread the love a little more!)