In this country we have some laws which are broken so casually and so often that they might as well not be laws at all. Weed, for instance. At this point, everyone and their mother and their mother has had some marijuana. It’s a part of our culture; where would we be without it? The laws preventing such experimentation simply don’t have the teeth to scare us away. Some things people are going to do whether you like it or not. Pot smoking is just one example. Fathers having sex with their daughters is another.
I think we’ve come far enough now that we can make a film about this latter phenomenon. Look, what’s the point of being prudish? If you’re pushing 50 and living with a super hot 15 year old, something’s wrong if you DON’T make a play. This is just nature taking its proper course, man. Ain’t nobody above nature.
Leslie Nielsen plays CIA Hardcore Headknocker Frank Drebin. Frank means well, but he doesn’t know much about his daughter because his many years of Ass-Breaking foreigners kept him away from home for long stretches of time. This also estranged him from his wife, Famke Janssen, whose boobs are actually small mounds of steaming ice.
But now things are different because his daughter has finally hit puberty. He decides to quit the CIA and redouble his efforts to be a positive part of her sex life. Step One: awesome birthday presents. Based on a foggy memory of her at 5 years old standing in front of a mirror singing “The Heat is On” into a comb, he decides that she’s passionate about a singing career and gets her a karaoke machine and some George Jones CDs from the nearest convenient store. He also offers her the 2nd half of his Big-Gulp.
The problem is that she’s got a New Daddy and he’s rich. So while Frank gives her some stuff she could care less about, New Daddy reveals his present: A beautiful pony, fully groomed and ridden by a shirtless Robert Pattinson. Things simply do not look good for Frank’s penis.
In a naive attempt to compete with New Dad financially, Frank takes a side-job as security for Hanna Montana. As she’s about to walk on stage, he gets in her face and asks, “Could you please take time out from your million-dollars-a-day schedule to help teach my pesky daughter how to sing. It would really mean a lot to her and that might help me get laid.” She hires new security to have his awkward ass thrown out.
But after the show, Hanna’s super horny dad tries to attack her. Frank, who never really left, punches him 20 times in 10 seconds and saves her. “Okay,” she relents. “I’ll give your daughter one 10-minute lesson.”
Frank runs home to tell her the great news, but the jokes on him because she’s got the worst news ever and she gets it out first: “Daddy I’m going to Paris. Please just sign this release form because all minors need a note from their parents to walk around France.”
This is kind of a line in the sand. Frank doesn’t want to make her unhappy, but he knows about Paris from his CIA days, and there are only two outcomes for young women who go there: 1) She loses her virginity to some beret-wearing fruit, or 2) She gets kidnapped and sold into the sex slave industry. Both suck pretty bad for his plans.
He agrees but only if she calls him every hour while she’s there trying to have fun. Just to remind her, he’s going to call her every half hour. He buys her a phone specifically for these calls, which she must carry around with her other phone. His number is already programmed in, and when he calls he’s identified as “BigDaddy” and a picture pops up of him shirtless and much younger. In fact, the ringtone itself is a recording of him saying “I Wuv Wo” over and over again.
After she leaves he tells Ice Boobs and New Dad, “I’m not comfortable with this.” But they both blow him off, “Relax. What’s the worst that can happen?” Stupid civilians just don’t know, man. They just don’t fucking KNOW!
Anyway, she goes to her Paris hotel and gets kidnapped roughly ten minutes later. He manages to call her just as it’s happening. She’s pretty scared, but her fear puts him into CIA mode. In fact, several things click at once for him. He realizes that her getting kidnapped might be a good thing. For one, it puts him in his element, and if he can actually save her, there’s no doubt he’ll finally get some hot daughter sex. This influences his advice somewhat, “Just sit there and let them take you.”
One of the sex slavers picks up the phone for the ultimate protective father lecture: “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you; I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you and fuck your daughter instead. If you don’t have a daughter, I’ll take the sperm from your corpse and make one. My very long career has prepared me to do shit like that to people like you.”
The Slaver answers, “Okay. You scared me enough. I’m leaving your daughter alone. Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Frank says, relaxing. But before he hangs up the phone he hears his daughter yelling in the background, “He’s lying to you, BigDaddy! Don’t fall for it!” The line disconnects. Frank wipes sweat from his forehead, realizing now that his foe is intelligent and tricky and far beyond anything he delt with in the CIA.
Frank goes to France anyway and shoots the first five people he sees. Luckily, they are all involved. From this point on we follow a nice action-film pattern. Frank get info which leads him somewhere. He kills people, then gets info which leads him somewhere else.
He is aided in this by his French friend played by Kevin Spacey. Sadly, Spacey appears to be involved somehow and Frank must shoot his wife in the arm to get answers. Sadly, there is an artery in the arm and the bullet hits it. Sadly, she bleeds to death. Happily, we find out that she was involved too, so it’s okay. Everything’s always gonna be okay.
Kevin Spacey gives up the goods, which leads Frank to the place where rich dudes bid on hot young American girls. Posing as the world’s shittiest waiter, he actually witnesses the transaction of his daughter’s ass. He thinks maybe he can put a bid in, but she’s blonde so her price gets up to the millions. Just like on her birthday, Frank’s poverty stands between him and his widdle Angle-Baby.
She gets sold to Shiek Yerbouti and Frank follows her to his Yacht. This doesn’t need to be any kind of big deal. He shoots all the bad guys and wins his daughter just like we all knew he would. Watching people get shot should be entertainment enough. There doesn’t need to be any build up or explosions for anything like that. You think it ends abruptly? That’s life, Poindexter. Tough, ain’t it?
Despite her trauma, they take the next flight home so she can have her singing lesson. Hanna Montana can’t really teach her much because her throat is half-closed, and she desperately needs to get to a hospital. Frank just stands there watching from the sidelines, smiling about how proud he is of himself. On the way home he stops at a convenient store and buys a World’s Greatest Dad mug, which he hands to her so she can hand back to him. “Aw, thanks honey,” he purrs. The movie ends here but I think we all know they have one more stop to make before finally hitting the hospital.
Behind every great book adaptation is a forgettable first try. — By Ryan Covey