After the success of Lord of the Rings, Hollywood had an itch for super-sensitive warriors fighting in massive CG armies in movies that were over three hours long. These CG armies represented a great leap forward in filmmaking. Instead of building a bunch of weapons and synchronizing thousands of extras, all you had to do was move your camera across an empty field a couple of times and let the eggheads fill it with awesome later. Thank you James Cameron for inventing computers!

Back then I paid one of my more worthless sons $50 a month to keep me informed about comics I might want to adapt. After telling him of this new Hollywood crazy his eyes got big and he rushed me back to a secret vault.

In a vault within this vault he finally found and uncovered a dusty, antiquated comic book. He made me put on gloves and a skullcap before touching it. “This is one of the oldest graphic novels known to man,” he whispered. “Published in 1919. It’s ancient!” I read the title: The Oddessy (Issue #0). It was not only signed by Homer himself, but also held a personal note to my son: “To my good friend Wendell Strange! Hope you enjoy your Chucky Cheeze Pizza! Mmmm…Pizza! D’oh!” Immediately, I ripped it from my boy’s hands, called him a fag, and got to work.

The material seemed too complicated at first, but all material does until you take the soul out (if you believe in “souls”). In this case, I found a conventional enough story once I got rid of all the Gods and 80% of everything else. Also, I found that The Oddessy (Issue #0) had an ending filled with quiet poetic resolution, so I needed to transcend it to an ending filled with tits and explosions.

The film begins with an army led by this badass named Aganamemmananom. The army is quite large (3X5 CG Square Miles) because Aganamemmananom has been going from country to country kicking ass and absorbing soldiers like a mean Obama. Eventually, he wants to rule the world. This character is played by Brian Cox because God was busy.

Aganamemmananom is about to take over another country, but rather than sit through a boring CG battle, he decides that each side should pick their biggest baddass for a one-on-one that will take the larger battle’s place. The future loser picks the biggest man he can find, while Aganamemmananom has a better idea.

See, there’s this guy working for Aganamemmananom named Achilles Hill, and he’s the greatest fighter of all time, even better than Mohammad Ali or Judge Judy. The problem is, he and Aganamemmananom don’t get along very well because it’s hard not to rebel against people whom you can kill. As a result, when Aganamemmananom calls for this warrior, someone has to go wake his lazy-ass up from his bed of 2 Girls 1 Gourd sinning.

I really wanted Brad Pitt to play Achilles Hill, but I couldn’t afford him. Instead, I had to settle for the guy from Meet Joe Black, Seven Years in Tibet, and the “What’s in the box” scene from Se7en. That’s cool though, he did okay. He’s no Brad Pitt, but whatever. The kid tries hard. Why is Brad Pitt so expensive anyways?

Anyways (Pt.2), Achilles Hill shows up to fight the big guy, whom he quickly dispatches with his patented Ultimate Finishing Move. The gist of this move is Achilles Hill runs at you full speed, and when he’s right on your ass, he presses (↑-→, B). This allows him to jump completely sideways and stab you in the neck. The big guy falls to the ground, Aganamemmananom gets a bunch more Army, and Achilles Hill goes back to sleep.

The purpose of this introductory scene is simple. You know now that Aganamemmananom has a big army, but his big army is irrelevant because he has Achilles Hill. But Achilles is kind of a loose cannon, so later, when Aganamemmananom does some real evil shit, it won’t reflect badly on our sexually advanced hero, and he can switch sides at will. That’s worth an hour of screentime, right?

After this the credits roll and the real film can begin. I’ll try to be brief (Ha!). Aganamemmananom has a brother named Menelelus who has a wife named Helen who has a crush on Paris who is hanging with his brother Hector at Menelelus’ castle. Paris and Hector are both Troyans from the walled-in city of Troy. Aganamemmananom wants to kill Troy, but Menelelus thinks they’re okay and says, “Back off, brosepher.”

But then Paris, eager to show everyone back home that he’s not gay, steals Menelelus’ wife, Helen. She’s into being stolen, too. But Hector’s not very happy because he knows the Greeks will come to Troy and everyone he knows is going to die including hisself. He tries to take Helen back, but Paris says, “Back off, brosepher.”

Aganamemmananom and Menelelus gather their shit and head for Troy. If you ever wanted to see what 1,000 CG ships launched by a face looks like, this is the movie for you!

So, in the comic book, the war between the Greeks and the Troyans goes on for ten years. This is supposed to be Epic, but not THAT Epic, so I knocked the time-line down to two weeks.

Day 1: Achilles Hill, traveling in a tug boat with his boy-toy, kills a bunch of Troyans and makes the beach safe for the 999 other ships to land and start cooking ribs.

Day 2:  Menelelus vs. Paris. Paris gets cut on the leg and crawls to Hector crying for help. Hector kills Menelelus for him, then has Helen change his diaper. Everyone is laughing too hard to fight.

Day 3: CG Greeks fight CG Troyans. Achilles Hill won’t leave his tent because he hates Aganamemmananom, but also because he’s captured one of Hector’s sisters and he’s trying to get her to fall in love with him so he can have sex with her without calling it rape. It works even though he’s not Brad Pitt. The young boy-toy gets jealous.

Day 4: Achilles Hill’s young boy-toy dresses like Achilles Hill and goes out to fight. Hector kills him, then realizes he’s not Achilles Hill at all. Hector’s just been X’ed by The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Hector kills Jamie Kennedy.

Day 5: Achilles Hill is upset about his boy-toy so he challenges Hector to a fight. Hector has studied Achilles Hill at Dave & Busters, so when Achilles Hill tries to break out his Ultimate Finishing Move, Hector avoids it. Sadly, Achilles Hill retaliates with (→-→, A) which Hector was totally unprepared for because that’s HIS Ultimate Finishing Move! Holy Shit!

Day 6-13: The Troyans bury Hector and collectively shit their pants.

Day 14: Odysseus gets the kind of genius idea he will become famous for. The Greeks build a giant horse, set it on fire, then catapult it over the walls of Troy. It works! The city is ablaze in no time!

The Greeks pour in and steal and rape and murder everything that’s not tied down. Except for Achilles Hill, who walks around putting out fires and saving children and impregnating widows because he’s a hero not a barbarian. Unfortunately, Paris doesn’t know that, and while hiding behind a fat kid, he shoots Achilles Hill in the head but misses and hits his Heel, the only place his Invincibility cheat doesn’t cover. Fucking Paris, man. Dude cannot fail to fuck up.

So now there are no more good guys and we just sit back and watch CG bad guys kill CG innocents in a CG town consumed by CG fire. Oliver Stone rides up on a real elephant, and a solitary tear rolls down his cheek. CG Peter O’Toole is all, “I know, right?”

(three stars)

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