What

follows is a scattershot bit of staff and reader submitted photos that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the world around us. Submit images HERE, and comment on the thread HERE. Also, please post links on your Facebook, Twitter, or Digg accounts if you want to help keep us swaddled in sweetness.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. “Hello! I can afford a Jaguar! Excuse me! Hello! I’m Jaguar Dan from Jaguartown!”



Photo by John Makarewicz.


I love it when a car has a unique style and branding all over it and some putrid folks still feel compelled to remind you what they’re driving. When they come up with a dumb little riff on the name it’s like the birth of a child, pure emotional release.





2. Well, unless you’re trying to set your child on fire. Then by all means buy the big shit.



Photo by John Makarewicz.


“Welcome to Gymboree.”


“I’m a mother and very busy. Where are your selections that don’t catch fire?”



“Excuse me?”


“This tennis skirt isn’t for show. Send me to the flame retardant clothing lines pronto!”



“We sell clothing. I guess theoretically they all COULD burn but it’s highly unlikely.”


“Where’s your manager?”






3. It so much more PC than just having it say “AVOID THIS MEXICAN”.



Photo by Katherine Lang.


Reasons not to sit on this wall:

  • It’s an incline and you would slide a foot lower than you started AND THEN WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
  • It’s where the Elseworlds Danny Trejo sits.
  • You’ll block the view of a bitchin’ Chevy economy car.
  • The wall is laced with homicide sauce.
  • It’s one of the Wonder Twins, forever trapped in solid form since the other sibling died of neglect.
  • The owner of the property knows that there’s a chance a boulder could roll down onto a sitter. LEGAL HASSLE!
  • Your name is Danger and they’re talkin’ to you.




4. The whole “inventory of one croissant” business model is sweeping the nation.


Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.


“Sir, we at the print shop don’t like to steer the customer away from using their own text, but…”


“I pay with The Dollar and get whatever I wants all this time! Fuck Under, I get you out!”






5. They spelled NUNZ wrong.


Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.


I think it’s safe we all love nuns, it goes without saying. No need for this jerk to get all the credit. How do you not love a gal with a work ethic, manners and a really tight hole?





6. News Flash.



Photo by Nathaniel Slater.


This reminds me of that time I was at Home Depot pricing chainsaws and saw the “please do not use this to hew off the limbs of innocents” sign.





7. “I like Playmobil toys! And cock!”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


This article is geared towards parents who allow their children to have iPhones and other assorted fancypants cellular phones. Way I see it, if you give your kid the tool and don’t do a good job of keeping track of them and PARENT THEM… then you deserve it. Then again, I used to spend hundreds of late-night hours on the phone with my girlfriend TALKING about sex because it was exciting and fun and it never really led anywhere great. It’s harmless unless they’re texting with Brian Peppers and then it’s harmful. And amazing.




8. Serving Rydell High since ’76.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Driving the grease truck sounds like slang for being married to Kirstie Alley.



9. I am a V.I.P.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I am typing this from the patio.



10. “I’ll give you a fern you won’t believe!”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


The Rambo Nursery specializes in perennials, flower assortments, pine straw, and KILLING GOOKS.




11. There’s just no respect for baseball.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


That’s an odd way to abbreviate MLB Home Plate, I think. I mean, hockey ended two days ago and basketball ended yesterday and people are going to give baseball MAYBE a week of exclusivity before football fuckers start domin…


Never mind, they’re already doing it
.



12. Ugh.


Photo by Nick Wesley.


Yeah. You guys enjoy having carte blanche over logic, reality, book merchandising guidelines, and fair play. One day a gay, black alien is going land and disprove a lot of shit.

I HOPE. I HOPE.




13. “Yes, I have a coupon for 50% off God.”



Photo by Phil Caravella.


I am unsure if God signed off on this place. In fact, I don’t think this shit is 100% licensed God product.

In fact, I’m sure that curling iron is not bearing the official logo of God and I’d venture to say that the gas powered asshammer ain’t his brand either.






14. Well it’s about damn time.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I’m glad she switched Geres and finally got her degree.



15. One minivan vs. terror. Terror never had a chance…



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


This sticker was on a minivan in suburbia at a Mexican restaurant. I am astounded. Fucking astounded. Who wants to bet that the owner of this vehicle keeps dibs on all their neighbors and takes notes whenever they see someone dark doing something un-American. Like working hard or not judging someone.



16. The toaster was askin’ for it.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


If I retired this column today I would be satisfied. I have bagged my personal white whale. Five times I have seen this vehicle on the road and been unable to photograph it. It was my Nessie. My Sasquatch. My Rape Van. And now I share it with you.






By the way:



























“I want to plant my arm pit and see what grows!”




Message Board Thread.