Last year, Nintendo was the first big press conference that I’d ever attended. It’s being held at the Kodak theater once again, and for some reason they love to hold it at ass-early in the morning- 9:00 am on a day when most of the journalists have been out drinking all night. You need plenty of coffee to deal with all the rabid Nintendo fanboys, and plus there’s a chance that you’ll get nothing of use whatsoever out of the conference, like last year. Last year was an abomination, a horrific scene straight out of hell, as we watched people prance around mimicking snowboarding and playing midi sounds on their Wii remotes.

But hopefully Nintendo has more up their sleeves this year, because they know how badly they failed. Starting at 9:00 PST (12:00 EST) I’ll be liveblogging the events. Judging from yesterday your best bet to watch it on the web will be at Justin.tv through G4TV.

(12:02) – It’s about to begin… and Justin.tv is being spotty already.

(12:04) – Horrible opening montage.

(12:05) – Why would they put Cammie back on again? She was the worst part of last year’s conference.

(12:06) – She’s bombing again. “Maybe one day you’ll see a woman playing a DS on a plane?” Hah, right! Next they’ll be asking us to treat them like real people.

(12:07) – Yeah, starting off with Mario is a good idea, at least. Little montage of Mario titles, as if we couldn’t recall them.

(12:08) – Her condescending voice makes me want to punch babies.

(12:09) – Mario in four dimensions? Whatchu talking about?

(12:09) – “New Super Mario Bros. 3”

(12:10) – Four player co-op Mario for Wii. Huh. Not bad.

(12:11) – LittleBigSuperMario

(12:12) – Hell, looks fun though. About time they made a multiplayer Mario game. Someone needs to tell Miyamoto that 4-player doesn’t equal four dimensions, though.

(12:13) – Cammie came in fourth, besmirtching the good name of Mario. And now is back jabbering away.

(12:13) – The game will launch Holiday 2009. Hey look! They’ll have a game worth owning the end of this year? Crazy!
 
(12:14) – They sold 15 MILLION Wii Fit units! And now are considering it a “platform”. Well that’s sort of what it is.
 
(12:15) – Wii Fit Plus’ tagline should be “We do what EA Sports Active does!” Gives you customized workout.

(12:17) – 15 new balance games that you can try once, realize they don’t do anything for you as far as a workout, and then never play again!

(12:17) – I want to summon Freddy Kreuger and ask him to stick a q-tip in my ears.

(12:18) – Phew, at least Reggie’s up now.

(12:19) – “The next advance in game control.”

(12:20) – Oh. It’s just Wii Motion Plus.

(12:20) – Someone should have reminded him that they announced this at least year’s E3. Also- that the Wii promised solid controls from day 1. They should just give those things to us for free.

(12:21) – I’m having deja vu. “Look it’s like really playing sports!”

(12:23) – I can’t believe they’re showing a huge ass trailer for this.

(12:24) – And now a live demo of Wii Sports Resort. Just like last year! Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo.

(12:25) – Wii Sky Diving. You waggle the controller in the air and try to join people together.

(12:27) – Archery. Yes, it’s very nice and very accurate. How about some announcements?

(12:29) – …. Huh…. what? Oh, sorry. Fell asleep.

(12:29) – I love scripted humor, don’t you?

(12:31) – Why was the audience clapping after the basketball demo? Doesn’t anyone have a gun in LA anymore?

(12:32) – Tiger Woods 10 will include Wii Motion Plus, and Grand Slam Tennis will use it.

(12:33) – Red Steel 2 is playable ONLY with Wii Motion Plus. Risky, no? Game does look great, though.

(12:34) – Some goofy action-centric Final Fantasy game being shown.

(12:35) Kingdom Hearts coming to Nintendo DS September 29. J-pop laden trailer shown.

(12:36) – The Mario Bros “checking out Bowser’s internal pipes”. Uh, Nintendo?

(12:37) – Phew, just a new Mario and Luigi RPG.

(12:38) – Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story- hits this fall. Such a horrible name, but it’s a great series.

(12:38) – And a new Golden Sun game- Golden Sun DS! That’s pretty awesome. The GBA ones were fun.

(12:39) – Hahaha James Patterson Women’s Murder Club- Games of Passion. “Reads and plays like a graphic novel.”

(12:40) – Looks like it has Photo Hunt and Majong minigames. Nintendo DS. “Listen to a horrible story from a hack writer!”

(12:41) – Now there’s some goofy GTA clone where you play a young cop. COP- The Recruit.

(12:43) – Some game aimed at girls that lets you play dress up. Women, aren’t you tired of game companies pandering to you like this? “Ooooh dresses! I’ll buy a DS now!”

(12:45) – Now they’re promoting the DSi, showing people talking about it.

(12:46) – They sold a million of these things already? There aren’t even any games for it yet!

(12:47) – They’re releasing a movie maker for the DSi. Because you can only imagine what kind of beautiful films you can make with a .3 megapixel camera.

(12:48) – Mario Vs. Donkey Kong- Minis March Again announced. After the disappointment that the last one was, I can’t imagine picking this up.

(12:49) – A new Wii Ware title where you can make your own minigames. Interesting.

(12:49) – You can take photos on DSi and upload them to facebook starting this summer.

(12:51) – Finally showing Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks.

(12:51) – Oh wait, no they’re not! They’re telling people to stop by- not even a trailer shown of the game. Good thing they got James Patterson in there, though.

(12:52) – Satoru Iwata (global president) comes on stage to horrible guitar riffs.

(12:53) – He’s talking about getting non-gamers gaming. Yeah, we know you’ve been trying that, buddy.

(12:57) – He’s still talking about how to get non-gamers gaming. I can feel the audience tuning out.

(12:59) – Oh, he’s going to actually show us a new game after giving us a Speech for 10 minutes?

(12:59) – The Wii Vitality Sensor? You have got to be fuckin’ kidding.

(12:59) – It sticks on your finger to monitor your pulse. Seriously.

(1:00) – Hey Nintendo- YOU ARE A FUCKING VIDEO GAME COMPANY! MAKE SOME GAMES!

(1:01) – God damn it. He’s finally gone, and Cammie is back.

(1:02) – A new Mario Galaxy?

(1:03) – Yep, they’re showing footage of it- and Yoshi’s back. Oh how easy we all are to please.

(1:04) – Super Mario Galaxy 2 looks good. At least that’s two games for the Wii that might be worth it. Love to have a new IP from Nintendo, though.

(1:06) – Hahaha. Their new IP savior is Sega. Irony. The Conduit being shown- definitely their best looking title.

(1:07) – Now they’re showing off Capcom’s new Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles. Looks like cutscenes from the game.

(1:08) – Dead Space Extraction. You guys are going to love this one.
Note how all the interesting games are coming from third party
publishers.

(1:09) – “Third party publishers are drawn to opportunities” Yeah, because you guys dropped the ball.

(1:10) – And now a new game from Team Ninja and Nintendo?

(1:11) – “Metroid – Other M” Looks pretty solid, but hard to see what kind of game it is. Ninja Gaiden meets Metroid with some first person sections?

(1:12) – The Wii Vitality Sensor will send you to new worlds! Like the hospital.

(1:14) – And that’s it for Nintendo. Well, they definitely tried to show the hardcore gamers that they’re trying something for them, but is it too little too late?

Sony’s conference is coming up next at 11:00 PST, 2:00 EST. Hope you enjoyed this- check back for another liveblog.