Our long national nightmare is over. After Zac Efron dropped out of the remake of Footloose (spoiler: it’s really a reboot! Kevin Bacon, in a cameo, travels back in time to give his younger self an iPod filled with 80 gigs of dance music from the future!), our country began to lose way. The economy failed. Flu decimated us. Our people just kept getting fatter and fatter. It was official: we were in a (psychological) depression.
But now we have been saved. Some Guy from Gossip Girl has stepped in to star in the new film and to bring the joys of dance to a town in the midwest known only as Anachronismville. Some Guy, beloved by dozens after his role in The Haunting of Molly Hartley (which was apparently a movie that came out in theaters recently), will have some time to get ready for the movie, which is shooting in March, ten goddamned months from now. They best have the greatest script ever imagined after all these delays.
Some Guy, who is prettier than every girl you have ever fucked if their prettiest features were added together in some sort of sexual calculus, had a clause built into his contract allowing him to continue his ground-breaking thespianism on Gossip Girl.
Fans of Some Guy, known to be older than Zac Efron’s pwe-tween base, are very excited that he’s going to be in Footloose, but they hope that they aren’t like totally over him by next March.