What

follows is a scattershot bit of staff and reader submitted photos that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the world around us. Submit images HERE, and comment on the thread HERE. Also, please post links on your Facebook, Twitter, or Digg accounts if you want to help keep us swaddled in sweetness.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. I’m trying to do the math. He’s a tall dude, long legs. How can the boys reach the desired hole?



Photo by John Makarewicz.


I might have to reconsider supporting him. During the Town Hall Meeting I specifically asked President Obama if he bent over for boys. He responded in the negative, offering a disciplined but firm “I love my wife Michelle and therefore would have to decline a place setting of ready and willing ragamuffins.”

Then again, he did warn me of his mustache-twirling Doppelgänger, Barak Obame. I believe our leader’s exact words were:


“Keep your shit on a swivel, my boybuttfucked clone is on the prowl!”





2. “Make it Slow.”



Photo by Mark Pezzula.


There’s nothing like a really conservative nerd.

Bonus Points: If they bought the car pre-owned from Enterprise.





3. The KISS ARMY would run roughshod over the TWILIGHT AXIS OF EVIL.



Photo by Mark Pezzula.


I try and imagine the thunderhead who wrote and monitors this Mayan Doomsday Calendar wannabe. If there’s this little regard for grammar and cosmetic value in something she’s (and we know it ain’t a boy) passionate about, imagine what her bush must look like…




4. You find out at the end of the pizza it’s been Breathless Mahoney all along.


Photo by Matthew Day.


“We need to name our new pizza business, Matty. Since 100% of the investment money is yours I think you should have point on this.”


“How’s about Gilded Vagina Slices?”



“Too incendiary.”

“I Hate the Jews Pizza!”



“Sounds too familiar.”


“When I Fart A Child Dies Pizza Pies?”



“Probably difficult to create a logo for that.”

“Dill Dough?”



“Nope.”


“Rasputin’s Penis Pizza!”



“Nyet.”


“Fuck everyone then. If I can’t name it, NO ONE CAN.”







5. Parkingson’s Disease.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.



I think Geico and State Farm and Progressive need to install a clause saying that if you park like this because you’re too fucking good for the world, whatever happens to your precious ride comes out of your pocket.





6. The Trifecta of My Nightmares.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


That kid’s eyes look like the fuckers at the end of the ‘I Love it Loud’ video! Fuck off!

That looks like a dog’s pink meaty coming towards his mouth! Fuck off!

“Thanks for the ‘Chill Thrill’ Mom!”? Are you fucking me?

This was on the box for a massive ice pop display, and at first glance it’s innocent enough but the more I look at it the more I think Silver Shamrock is somehow involved.





7. “The dog sniffs distract you as I prepare my SPINNING GERIATRIC SWATTER ATTACK!”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I don’t know why I was inclined to snap a photo of this bizarre pair but it’s just not that often you see an old lady wielding a +2 Swatter of Dementia.




8. “What do we name our young son?”


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


“Have you met Myung Son?”


“I didn’t even know you were married. What are you, fifteen?”


“No, Myung Son. The one who works here!”






“Dude you need to find a better job if you’re going to have your kid working here.”





9. Either this suburbanite is really street or really dumb. Or both.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I am puzzled about the origin of this ride.

Is this the automotive equivalent of pouring one for a dead homey? G took the loss and G’s surviving friend paid their respects by buying an elitist car.

Was the car purchased for someone named G and if so, shouldn’t the plate read G Thanks U?

Is it a prayer, with the license plate being the equivalent of a player kissing their crucifix to Heaven after a hit? Maybe this person made a fortune selling the skins of soldiers to the highest bidder and is thankful that their G had the perseverance to see them through the tough times?

Maybe this is the DSV’s ride.


10. Hunched in the Shadow of Super Mario, by Toni Morrison.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


It’s bad enough that there’s a fucker dressed as Super Mario standing on the side of the street. A generic Wop with a pituitary disorder shilling his product for everyone who has driven by and been baffled about what they were seeing until they were past the intersection to turn at to get to the shitpipe cleaning greaseball’s product.

It’s the idiot friend hunched over behind the costumed loon playing a Nintendo DS that really needs the brunt of the hate of the world. Is this person so deprived of a life that they would accompany their friend to the street corner and lie in their shadow for untold hours? Is the friend so afraid of being alone?

I hate the fucker in the shadow. Always have.




11. I can’t even see the screen through all this hate in my eyes right now.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


There is a Sweetheart Mint that reads “LAMB”.

People, if this isn’t a call to arms and a declaration of martial law against all things Twilight I don’t know what is
. Imagine yourself with a 12 year-old daughter and some skinny kid who listens to Dashboard Confessional walks up all bony and pale and with dumb, tight jeans and hands her a Sweetheart Mint that reads LIVE 4 EVER and she swoons. Every night at the dinner table she talks about that dreamboat and his icy blue eyes and his soul. How they talk on the phone about why they aren’t reading Dracula and on and on…

I would spank her with a gun.



12. Susan Smith: The Home Game


Photo by Phil Caravella.


“Mom, this baby doll looks so cute and peaceful in this airtight plastic bag.”


“Excellent! Enjoy your new Asphyxiation Patch Kid!”



13. These’ll go well with my newborn elderly friends!



Photo by ‘The Genius’.


Amish Improv.




14. It’s like that elusive Bigfoot photo, except of Hopelessness!



Photo by Tom Suitt.


First of all, I didn’t know I left my webcam on…






15. America in a Nutshell.



Photo by Will Shulik.


It’s about time my lazy ass could have a few steps taken out of my daily ritual. It’s so much easier to buy them pre-packaged.

When I was a kid I had to find the hooker, get her home, killer her, cut her up, bag her, and deposit her as a totem in society…








By the way:



























“My pee pee is much more giant than sister’s!”




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