1. Whenever the host (Jon Stewart) has a joke fall flat, you must take a sip. This will happen more often than you think.
2. Whenever Jack Nicholson appears, you must take a sip. If he’s grinning, take a big gulp.
3. Whenever a song, special segment, clip montage, thank you speech,
or anything else goes on too long, you must take a sip and “boo!” the
telecast until it mercifully ends. The segment, not the show (nice try).
4. If the telecast shows a woman crying, take a drink. If it shows a man crying, finish it.
5. If the orchestra has to play someone off, take a sip. If they
still won’t leave, finish your drink and hang your head in disgust.
6. During the “In Memoriam” segment with everyone who died last
year, you must cheer “Huzzah!” after each name appears. You must take a
sip if you’re really gonna miss them. My game, my rules.
7. Finally, when they announce Best Picture sometime after midnight
on the East coast, finish your drink and complain about how awful the
ceremony was. You were going to do it anyway, right?