Springtime
is in the air. The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming. Pollen
is drifting through the wind, taking hold and situating itself to help
bring about new and exciting leafy living things to make our lives
enriched. As a result, welcome to our latest CHUD List, a look at the
20 best plants in film history. A few things to consider:

Anne
Ramsey was not officially a plant, so she is excused from this list.
The same goes for Maude Adams, Jack Elam, and that thing on Aaron
Neville.

Also, fuck The Happening. And here we go!

2. Otik

Exterior: The cutest little woodchild the world has ever known.

Interior: The cutest little woodchild the world has ever known.

The Film: Little Otik (Otesánek) (2002)
 
Leafy Truths: Otik is born out of the insatiable need for a child by aggressively named Czech actress Veronika Žilková, a hunk of wood carved into vaguely humanoid shape by her husband. He wants desperately to make her happy. As one would expect, a little woodsy tot that eats hair, cats, and people arrives on the scene and nothing in the world is ever the same again. Men, this is what you get when you overcompensate to make your lady smile. Little Otik happens.

It is one of filmmaker Jan Å vankmajer’s better documentaries.

Root of Evil: Yes he is.


Check out his adorable peep!

Gardening Tips:
Otik is not incredibly difficult to defeat, for his belly is pulpy and easily split by axes, garden hoes, and karate chops. But why WOULD YOU injure this elm on Nightmare Street?

Its Place in Plantdom: Sadly, more people know about Bokeem Woodbine than this little oaken darling, a statement that pulls back the veneer on a lazy and indifferent filmgoing populace and reveals us to be heading in a direction that was fortold in Revelations:

“REV 7:9  After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number…stood before the throne, and before the Lamb. Oh no, I for one, was not prepared for Living Tree Boy bearing Gold, Frankincense and MURDER. I just shat a cubit.”


“And the human being goes around the cave towards the entrance where the ferocious killer tree boy gobbles it up!”

Happy Ending: Little Otik dies in the fairy tale the film is based on (Little Red Riding Wood, a must-read) but not the film. I’d like to think he toughed it out and is out there in the dark waiting to lumberjack some unsuspecting victim.

– Nick Nunziata
 
 

1. Weed

Exterior: Mossy, messy, and innocent looking.

Interior: Filled with The Drugs!

The Film: Reefer Madness (Tell Your Children) (1936)

Leafy Truths: You will rape, kill yourself, and kill others (not in that order though) if you do the Pot. Created originally as a scary warning to children about the dangers of doing the weed, Reefer Madness is an exploitation film comedy whose dead seriousness is a charming bit of public domain fun. But, the weed is no joke. Smoke it and you will bring about all the worst parts of the Bible.

The Root of Evil: The Black Crowes happen.

Gardening Tips: The pot leaf is harvested from ziploc bags and is easily found all around everywhere in the country, including in the secret compartment of your Millenium Falcon toy.
 
Its Place in Plantdom: There is a whole genre of marijuana movies (the pinnacle of course being Ganjasaurus Rex, which as a young man I rented thinking it’d be a great monster movie), seemingly geared towards every generation, so it’s kinda entrenched. It also stinks up the place like nobody’s business.


Drug Fact #1: If you do drugs you’ll come down with Hedermouth.

 
Happy Ending: You can watch it legally for free HERE without any repercussions, other than the desire to burn one up and tear shit up before ending your life in a lazy, smoke-induced incident.


Drug Fact #2: He’s gonna hit that.
– Nick Nunziata