I used to answer each and every odd and fun question posed on the
message boards in the old days in these “Your Questions For” threads,
and the results were often a lot of fun. Basically folks could ask me
anything they want and I’d answer it honestly, jokingly, or with tons
of snark. Either way it was fun and it helped to illustrate the
personality of the site, the readers and their opinions, and answer
questions for new readers who don’t know what makes the site tick, who
I am, and why the fuck I am only five foot seven. So, I’ve resurrected
it! It’d be great to run one of these a week, but that’s up to you! use
the links at the bottom of the article to contribute.
Trejo asks:
Grizzly Park Bear. Meg. the Kraken. Your favorite Godzilla entity. the Manitou.
Who survives in Thunderdome?
Let’s see… The Grizzly Park bear might challenge the Manitou for a while until the zit popped and the indian arrived. Then the Manitou would be making phone calls to the bear’s next of kin. If the skirmish were in water, the Meg would be quite an adversary. In the woods, the Meg would be an impressive sight flopping on the floor and then a stinking thing three counties downwind hated. The Kraken is a god, powered by the fumes of mythology and a being that can kick ass in water and near land. But, if it’s the squid version it’s kind of weird and icky and there’d be a huge compulsion to dip it in marinara sauce. If it were the Harryhausen Kraken it’d be cool and… well, stiff and confused. I’ll pick Godzilla’s enemy Destroyah. That dick would kill all and be home before his inner Japan man broke a sweat.
Overlord asks:
1.)Are you going to stop promoting the “Digg”ing of CHUD articles until the site can handle it?
2.)Whatever happened to that baseball movie you were involved in?
3.)You mentioned a site overhaul a while back. A few things seem to be working a lot more smoothly. Part of that overhaul?
1.) No. We need new readers, even if a few times a year the old ones have difficulties.
2.) Softball movie, and I rewrote it a few months ago for the last time until there’s money to make it. It is one of those things I will do before I die but I need aggressive folks who really love it helping get someone to finance it, and thusly I don’t even know if such a person exists. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got a truly unique and transcendent comedy on my hands and sometimes I feel like Don Quixote.
3.) No. The site overhaul is a daily part of my life, and no one is seeing the results of it yet. It’ll be done either tomorrow, a few weeks after, or never. That’s my theory.
Tom Logan asks:
Dwarf Throwing. Olympics or Special Olympics?
When a dwarf breeds with a fully proportioned human being why doesn’t
the offspring come out higgledy-piggledy? e.g. large forehard, small
arms but with full length legs?
Who was the first person to use LOL and where does the tosser live?
Scat porn. Why?
Burt Reynolds. Tache or tache-less?
What propels mature adults to play and then make love to their air instruments?
Is it just laziness that everyone in the world doesn’t speak english?
Highland Games.
Look to your books of science for the answer. I think that fairy dust and elven magic cannot be passed on through comeshots.
Warren Robinett. He lives between the walls near the castle, but without the transmolecular dot you cannot discover him.
Because some people think sex is something that has to be modified and customized to work when all it is really is a few things frictioning their way to delight.
Plastic surgery-less.
Lack of actual skill.
A combination of laziness and precedence and complete success communicating with their own languages.
.
Renn Brown asks:
Twitter: Great form of human communication, or the greatest form of human communication?
I hate the term naval-gazing with a passion, but AT BEST Twitter is a place to jerk off about yourself textually.
Trejo asks:
Sorry for monopolizing this before the first actual entry runs, but I want to get at least one semi-serious question in here:
You get invited to a Battle of the Bands.
Now, which band do you bring to destroy the souls out of your sonical foes – Xoaldus, the Lucky Nightsticks or the Killing Swarm? What song would you play?
Xoaldus/PKG is best suited for a Battle of the bands because it’s straightforward rock and Micah gets to do 15,000,009 notes per minute with his fretboard sodomy, The Killing Swarm is the best actual band because it also includes Dave Krosner, a man who makes his living teaching music. The Lucky Nightsticks is the most fun and unique but features only three guys who don’t overthink stuff and are ready to record after three rehearsals.
If I had one pick it’d be Killing Utopia from PKG, but if it wasn’t about sheer force I’d probably pick a Nightsticks tune.
Schwartz asks:
If Ted Levine ran for mayor of Atlanta, but had publicly declared his
intention to appoint Stephanie Meyer to the Public Housing Commission,
would you still vote for him?
Bear in mind, he’s running against a fax machine who’s platform includes putting Carlos Mencia on the Water Board.
My loyalty to Levine is no match for my hatred of all things Twilight.
Seeya Ted. I hope you get palsy of the mustache.
Raspberry Leper asks:
Someone should water board Carlos Mencia. T or F ?
He’s harmless.
Nekkerbe asks:
1) If you could send a message back in time 10 years to give your younger self some advice (or a warning), what would it be?
2) Everyone knows the President of the US gets 3 free assassinations. Congratulations Mr. President, who gets whacked?
3) The two films of which you’ve had the greatest opinion shift, from hate to love and from love to hate.
PS: Thanks for doing this.
1) Don’t believe any of your perceptions about how a meeting goes. If you’re thrilled it doesn’t mean shit. Don’t assume that because you’re nice, charming, and intelligent, people in Hollywood won’t hate you simply because you’re not them. Don’t assume everyone has the same drive as you. Don’t get caught up with the periphery. Don’t self-finance the creative crews of comic books. Drop EVERY friend from your youth aside from Sean and Kevin Fahey. Lotsa things, man. But I’d be a different person without all these lessons I’ve learned the hard and shitty way.
2) Boring: That meanie in Korea, that meanie in South America, and the dick in the desert. Truth: Whomever is about to kill someone over religion. Whomever is having one more drink before going out and running over a kid. And Tyler Perry.
3) I haven’t grown to love any movies I used to hate though I am in a happier place with Eyes Wide Shut and Femme Fatale. I used to love Caddyshack and The Howling. Now I almost lothe them. Then there’s each and every Star Wars movie. Fuck ’em all.
You are welcome. I love this! It’s therapeutic, allows folks to get to know why I’m overrated, and allows an unfiltered look at the machinations of this place.
Schwartz asks:
How do you feel about Radiohead?
When the family is all gone and the Nunz has a quiet night to spend with the Nunz, how does he relax?
On a completely, totally, and utterly unrelated note, what is the best
way to dispose of a dead hooker in major metropolitan area?
They’re my first card in a discussion were we’re talking about the most overrated bands of all time.
The only way I relax is watching my saltwater tank, cuddling with my dog [the Rhodesian, not the Beagle], and watching baseball. Baseball is my religion for sure.
Cover her in cheese whiz and dump her near a rat lair. Or put her under a few Lucky Nightsicks CDs.James Kimbell asks:
Is Ron #19 the best thing you’ve ever done?
I hope not, though I am proud to say that that is 100% my strip. Bert redrew it with talent but that was totally a redo of a strip I did for the never-released 2nd issue of The Dead Squirrel Magazine.
Bob Loblaw asks:
Dear Nick,
You and I were both born in the Bronx, NY. We both have a passion for
baseball and enjoy participating in fantasy baseball. Heck, we’re even
in the same fantasy baseball league (sort of like it was meant to be).
We both have sexy beards. We both think X-Com UFO Defense is the best
game ever. I’m sure we have many other things in common…favorite
colors, foods, sexual positions. When this all gets sorted out, I think
you and I should get an apartment together. Would you like to get an
apartment with me Nick?
Your future BFF,
Bob
I can’t two-time on me! if I had you, why would I play with me anymore?
Eileen asks:
How much money did you donate to Trinity Broadcasting Network’s praise-a-thon?
16 Anton LeVay dollars.
B Metal_Sucks asks:
Who gets into the hall of fame first? Pete Rose or Mark McGwire?
Why does Eddie Murphy keep making shitty “kid comedies?”
Tyler Perry’s success. Why?
Jessica Biel or Jessica Alba?
Pete Rose needs to be there YESTERDAY. I don’t care what he bet on. I don’t care if he threw a game. I don’t care if he prolonged the career of Ronnie Milsap. He’s Pete Rose. Look as his numbers. And they’re not tainted by anything. McGwire was such a one-sided player I find it to be tough to allow him in without the spectre of steroids.
Because he has no integrity.
Sorry, but because he works harder than anyone else and really knows how to make it seem like an obligation for African Americans to support him, quality be damned.
I can’t answer that yet. I REALLY look forward to answering it, so please ask me again in a month.
Schwartz asks:
If we succeed in creating a private Chud.com game on Pokerstars, will you play online poker with us some Sunday?
Absolutely.
JetManX asks:
Why is ‘The CHUD Thread of the Unexplained’ so deserted?
How does the collaboration between you and Alten work? I’m sincerely interested in different writing methods.
It was a weather balloon.
For our scripts, we spend a lot of time putting the material together, eventually hammering out a very concise beat sheet of around 30 pages or so. Then we write the script. He’s more disciplined a writer, obviously. He bangs out text much better than I ever could so he’s usually been the lead writer. There are two sci-fi projects where that’s my job (not coincidentally the two projects the furthest away from reality), but he’s the horse. With Grim Reaper, he began on the book without me. Partially because I was busy, patrially because he saw a book where I didn’t, and partially because the general response to our script was that it was unfilmable. I feared it’d serve as a lesson more than something we’d see come to life. It’s a really dense and dark thing and there’s a lot of places it could have been horrible under the wrong interpretation. The book has evolved considerably and by May when we start sending copies to folks, I think it’ll have the same qualities of the script but much more resonance and value. Some of that will be because of me. That said, he’s the engine of the thing. He’s a professional novelist. I’m a guy who namedrops The Accused
.Zombie Fever asks:
Were there any legal troubles acquiring the name CHUD for the site?
What other names did you have in mind for the site?
Not really, no. There are dozens of urban housing departments who tried to acquire it, and for a while the producer of the film was trying to get me to sell it but it was never that big a deal.
I never had a different name for this site, but I remember Carl Cunningham and I were keen on starting something called Dementertainment back in 99. That would have been a mistake.
Eyeball Kid asks:
Which planet (real or fictional) would you destroy and why?
Which longtime poster who no longer posts or who posts very rarely do you miss the most? The least?
What do you miss about the early days of Chud, and what are you glad to have left behind?
Serious question: How do you balance all of your responsibilities and
hobbies? You and I are roughly the same age. Your daughter is about the
same age as my son, and I have a 1-year old girl as well. I can barely
find the time to do anything other than take care of the kids
(reasonably well!) and the house (poorly!). By the time 9 or 10 PM
rolls around, I’m usually too tired to do anything except try my best
to enjoy the hour or so of time to myself I have before sleep claims
me. And yet you crank out content, work on your art projects, work at
the cigar shop, see movies, record podcasts, see your friends, play
poker, make music, etc. Does your wife watch the kid a lot?
Grandparents chip in to help? How do you cram it all in? I need the
Nunziata Secret to Time Management System(TM).
Mars. It impedes my view of Jupiter.
The Most: Brian Koukol, Dan Whitehead, and some of the guys who got all serious and grumpy in their later years here. The Least: There’s less Scientology now, I will say that
.I miss the unity of the old CHUD. There was a mutual respect then, and people were willing to go great distances to meet up. I’m glad to have left behind their wide-eyed stupidity that all of this really means as much to folks as I thought it did. People who were integral simply disappeared without a trace and it’s weird not knowing if folks with cast the site aside once they graduate high school, college, or when they settle down with someone. I never looked at this place as a fad or something that made sense at a certain era of someone’s life. Its goal is to evolve just like the people do.
I’ve lost more than a step in my time management and focus issues. Three years ago I could have been a great example of efficiency. Nowadays I am the last person to ask. I try twice as hard to do half as much and I’m less convinced of the quality of THAT. There’s a good chance that this summer will vitalize me again. Maybe then I’ll have the secret again.
Feral Akodon asks:
Is God a delusion?
Do you consider Tina Fey attractive?
(Thanks for the article)
If there is a God, he’s not human-shaped.
I do find Tina Fey attractive. I love a girl with glasses and I like smart girls. Some girls with glasses just can’t see good and are dumber than corn. I also like girls with holes. She meets all the criteria.
Jack Rabbit asks:
(Love this – ’tis amazing, funny AND insightful)
1. Am I the only one who thinks Sonic Youth ought to score a film?
2. I’m writing a monster movie – as in a BIG monster, movie – Why aren’t there any ACTUAL good, modern monster movies?
3. Do you have any idea as to how many people actually listen to the podcast (i’m one of those who do)? Do you even give a shit?
4. How long is your beard RIGHT NOW?
5. What tips can you give on growing a proper, manly beard?
1. I’m sure you aren’t, though I certainly am not in your camp on that. They annoy the balls outta me.
2. Cloverfield? The Host? They’re OK. Negadon was fun. Why there’s no great one is simple: People are unwilling to accept a straightforward monster movie on a large scale. It needs to be meta or postmodern or FOREIGN. Yuck
.3. I give a shit because it’s very time consuming even in its seemingly raw form, and I really like listening to them because they do a good job of approximating what it’s like to hang out with us, and I think we’re OK folks. I do not know how many people listen but I’ll often be surprised at the people who do. A few times I’ve been taken aback, and it explains a lot since the version of me I portray in the podcast is a ‘heightened’ version of me at times and of course the guy’s not going to give a loan to a fellow who talks about a man marrying his own piss for 45 minutes.
4. I trim it often, both because it becomes unruly and because I need to be more aerodynamic as I race through the forest.
5. Be Italian. Have no exemplary skills whatsoever. Be Greek.
Beldar asks:
1. Since you expressed admiration for Keanu Reeves (which I share), what would you say is his best performance?
2. Do you think Dinklage turned down the role as the dwarf in In Bruges? Or was it not even offered to him cause he’s too big now?
1. Maybe Constantine.
2. He’s too BIG now? I don’t think he was offered it, because the man is on record stating how serious he takes his work and how he views his place in the world. He’s a great actor who happens to be travel-sized, not a macro dude who with no morals. That said, the guy in Bruges was fine. He also was mistaken for a baby and paid the price for it, didn’t he?
Chris Meyers asks:
Dear Nick, what was the very first flick you reviewed for CHUD – and did you like or dislike it?
For some reason I think it was an older flick like The Guns of Navarone and yes I liked it. Most of my reviews were positive or at least EXTREMELY forgiving then. That was in 1997, though. Nothing can be held against me.
Anderson asks:
If cleanliness is next to Godliness, does that make the con circuit a layer of Hell?
By your reasoning, yes. That said, Atlanta CHUD friend Dennis Berkemeier bought a copy of a really racist indie comic called Black Bastard at a con, so they can’t be all bad.
Jakespeare asks:
If cleanliness is next to Godliness and I don’t believe in Godliness should I also stop believing in cleanliness?
The value of cleanliness has been proven scientifically. So no.
Humanoid asks:
1) Which, if any, child actors do you think will have successful adult careers?
2) If a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters for a thousand
years will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare, what
do you get if you give one monkey a week with a box of crayons?
1) Adult film careers, or careers in adult films? I mean, I’ll watch ANY of ’em fuck.
2) The Boondock Saints.
Hammerhead asks:
How can I live with myself?
When did you become self-aware?
What was the best movie of 1982?
With ample doses of self-touch and liquor.
Who?
The Thing, with Blade Runner right there. Special credit goes to First Blood, Diner, The Plague Dogs, Conan, 48 Hrs, and The Wrath of Khan.
Sunwukong asks:
When the fruit of your loins (acknowledged or otherwise) come of age,
which of your accomplishments do you think there’ll be the most
pressure to continue, emulate or avoid?
Are you at all looking forward to high quality (hi-def picture and sound, THX, etc) movies on a private headset?
I don’t see a case of footsteps to follow or avoid, really. My wife and I are total opposites and on paper her qualities far outweigh mine. Well, off paper too. All I think we can do is be good parents and let the little creep develop their own personality. Kids aren’t sequels, clones, or projects to shape. They’re legitimate assholes all their own, and all I can do is tell it how I and see where it goes.
Maybe? I am not so blown away and in love with Blu-Ray or anything else. As someone who got more pleasure out of bad 35mm prints and worn VHS copies than I ever have with DVD or digitally projected movies, all I care about is seeing my movies. I’m content to watch one on my tiny IPOD screen if the situation warrants or on the clunky Cyberlink product we get our screen grabs with. Our eyes and brains are imperfect. More resolution or a slicker way of seeing it doesn’t change enough of it. That said, I love gadgets so I’m sure I’ll look into it. I have some of those headsets for the IPOD and I got the cheap one and it was an ERROR
.Tati asks:
Phil Owen. What the fuck happened there?
He’s a nice cat. Met him a couple of times in the real world. He had a voice, still does. He was immediately lambasted, partially due to the arrival of the talkbacks and partially because he needed time to get comfortable on the site, and partially because people fear change. I don’t think he was bad for the site at all. I just think that a combination of lack of resources, a chaotic time for the site, and bad all-around timing, it wasn’t meant to be. Who knows? We’ve had our share of folks who didn’t stick for a long time for various reasons, some great and some not. Off my head, George Merchan, Fred Topel, Joram Manka, Jeff Heimbuch, not to mention the amazing tenures of Adam McCallister, Sandra Bruckner, Matt Hindmarch, and more in the old days. It’s the web. It’s a fickle world. Some folks think that it’s easy to do this and get paid. Some folks realize it’s not all fun. Some folks realize that CHUD isn’t nearly the most base and blathering crowd but they’re still prone to throwing verbal batteries. And, I have to admit… getting no comments about your work from the readers (and people like me who’s caught up in my own head most of the time) has an effect on you.
Ogre asks:
1) Who would win in an arm wrestling match, Werner Hertzog or The 2nd Coming of Phil Hartman
2) What would be the victory song of whomsoever would be victor
3) Who would film the documentary about such an epic event
1) I think you’re trying to create a weird question just to do it, but… Herzog. Even without wife wounds, Hartman’s just ill-prepared for the man who took Kinski to the edge and beyond.
2) ‘Believe in Love’, by The Scorpoins.
3) Zak Penn. Duh.
Ed Hocken asks:
Which is more bat shit insane: Herzog’s version of Bad Lieutenant with
Nicholas Cage or Bono’s & The Edge musical version of Spider-man?
Nothing with Nicolas Cage isn’t batshit. How that guy still is in THEATRICALLY RELEASED FILMS is beyond me.
Trejo asks:
If you could be attached (produce?) to any one upcoming project of your choosing, which one would it be and why?
Well, a FINANCED homegrown one would always be first. There’s also a few I can’t mention here so as not to disrupt work in progress. That said… my golden ones of the mainstream, will never happen variety would be Captain America and the Lee Child book series, or live action versions of Watership Down or Bunnicula, or the definitive baseball movie (adapted or not). That said, I have a shelf in my garage filled with dozens of books and comics still in my dream wish-list, I need it file. Can’t mention those. Been burned before. I prepared a list [for Shane Salerno and I to pursue at the time, I believe] three or four years ago, a bunch of golden properties. At least half have been optioned. I’m keeping that shit close to the vest from now on. To answer you on the “why”, because once I have enough experience to hold my own in the business (ask me again this time next year), I’ll be one of those people who knows good material and actually safeguards it. Anyone who knows me knows I’m as far from greedy as possible, so my only motivation will be the project’s quality and adherence to source. I’m a novice now but in time…
Badly Drawn Bagel asks:
What is the dumbest thing you have ever done with your cock?
Also, what is your favorite cereal?
A few times I should have used it, a few I shouldn’t, and that time I got my zipper caught on it, creating my own little telltale Indiana Jones scar. Except lower.
Peanut Butter Puffins.
Fat Elvis asks:
1. If you had a film festival like Robert Osborne, which movies would you choose for the inaugural showing?
2. Of the Chud Essentials, which, if any, do you revisit the most?
3. In the ten plus years of Chud, curious which chewers have best represented the intended spirit of the site?
1. I’m not some guy with access to obscure things and in the know what the best secret film of next year is, nor do I have any inclination to choose incendiary flicks just to stick out. My main goal is to allow folks to bond over great stuff, so depending on the genre or point of the festival it’d be filled with films that ought to be seen on a screen or little-known great, the goal would always be audience related as I don’t have the same type of brand most film festival people do.
2. My daughter is on a Clash of the Titans kick the past two weeks so that is the daily morning spin, but of the essentials (clunky archive starts here, man we need the new site sooooo bad), The Big Lebowski and Rounders are the ones that stick out from that list. That said, I watch The Departed and Collateral all the time. All. The. Time. They didn’t make the list, but if I did one now they’d be up there.
3. I think CHUD legends are folks with longevity, a somewhat even keel, and folks who educate and participate in the discussion. A lot of those people end up writing for the site in some capacity and I think there are quite a few of those people in our DVD review ranks. But off the top of my craw and quick perusal, CURRENT folks who I heartily appreciate are folks Isao, Singer, Subotai, DaveB, Eyeball, Hester, guys who have been around forever and done nothing build on their reputation and class. I love the somewhat “out there” folks, whether it be Diva or HAM or Kirby or Django who was involved in little skirmishes. I dig the fresh new guys with a lot of energy and wide-eyed love for this medium they’re falling for, Ripoll a few years ago and Renn now, Lotsa great folks, many of whom I’ve met and dug in the real world. I mean, most of the Atlanta crew I’d take a (rubber) bullet for and folks like Beaks and YT and SJR and Whitehead are golden gods of all time. I love the Chewers and wish I could meet more. One thing’s for sure. There’s no right answer or a simple definition of one.
Ryoken asks:
When you go to sleep, do you sleep with the beard over or under the bedsheets?
It spirals around my person like the red bands on a candy cane.
James Kimbell asks:
Do you use the ignore feature on the boards?
Nope. I just know certain folks whose words carry the most featherweight value and adjust accordingly. Sadly, I don’t know the personalities of individual posters as much as I used to, so I probably have a tougher time figuring out when someone’s being a sarcastic poop buttock.
Patrick Ripoll asks:
Looking back at your past reviews, are there any films you’ve turned around on?
Too many to count. When the site started we were in love with everything. Then we became SERIOUS. Then we became button pushy. Now, I’d like to think we are writing reviews we’ll agree with until we’re old and lucid.
Ed Hocken asks:
Levine or Nolte: Both men enter, one leaves. Which one?
Brawley.
Klute: Great film or greatest film?
Greatest podcast punchline.
Forsaken No More asks:
2) Prior Tae Bo, were you a fan of Billy Blanks in any capacity?
3) Rob Cohen, man of talent and/or man of _____?
4) You ever attend Freaknik?
5) Whadda’ya think of the swagger-rific pose of Lee Marvin in Delta Force?
*Just Lee no Chuckie…
1. Absolutely not, though after Ice T’s work in 3,000 Miles to Graceland [a dumb but wholly fun little flick], he’s been granted lifelong membership. Ice Cube fucked us thrice hard with his family flicks so he’s about as much an action star as Crispin Glover is a Mormon.
2. I wish his dad had been shooting blanks.
3. zero headhairs.
4. Nunziata is a white person’s name.
5. Lee Marvin looks like he’s gonna blast someone for parking in his handicapped spot.
How is it that ducks have gotten off so easy? I mean, it’s not like you
ever come across a chicken in the wild, so how is it that there’s this
even more flavorful bird that can be found on any given American pond
but only select Chinese menus?
What was the last good book you read?
Is it possible for a human being to sound any dumber than the male lead in the Fighting commercials?
Ducks are meant to be befriended, not devoured.
I really enjoyed the upcoming Meg book but the last book I read was Odd Man Out, and I loved the heck out of it. Something about a controversy free document [though its credibility has been questioned] about life in the minor leagues without all the steroids bullshit, agent bullshit, and gloss reminds me why I love baseball so much. If I had a little clout, I’d option that book and write one heck of a script.
It’s very possible. Turn on just about any channel any time of day. That said, Grizzly park alum, the gorgeous Zulay Henao is in that flick and I can only imagine young men will stand up and take notice. She’s uncomfortably attractive. Just nearly too attractive. But cool, really sweet.
Nick,
What colour best describes you?
Who are the 5 sexiest people ever? Why?
All the best,
Bobby
Nick Answers:
Well, I buy and wear a lot of rust and orange shit, so there. My golf bag, club shafts, hat, and shirt are typically the same color so I look like a total crotchtaster.
I’m not a romantic and prone to saying flowery shit about the folks I care about, so I’ll just be base:
Bo Svenson. Billy Warlock. Jenny Agutter. Dick Warlock. Bo Svenson.