Springtime
is in the air. The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming. Pollen
is drifting through the wind, taking hold and situating itself to help
bring about new and exciting leafy living things to make our lives
enriched. As a result, welcome to our latest CHUD List, a look at the
20 best plants in film history. A few things to consider:

Anne
Ramsey was not officially a plant, so she is excused from this list.
The same goes for Maude Adams, Jack Elam, and that thing on Aaron
Neville.

Also, fuck The Happening. And here we go!

6. Mandrake

Exterior: Rough. Knotty. Looks like an alcoholic British man approximately 67 years of age.

Interior: Hallucinogenic Quality!

The Film: Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
 
Leafy Truths: Back in the old days some folks thought this root sprouted up from your shoot. Seriously:

“It was a common belief in some countries that a mandrake would grow where the semen of a hanged man dripped on to the earth; this would appear to be the reason for the methods employed by the alchemists who “projected human seed into animal earth”. In Germany, the plant is known as the Alraune: the novel (later adapted as a film) Alraune by Hanns Heinz Ewers is based around a soulless woman conceived from a hanged man’s semen, the title referring to this myth of the Mandrake’s origins.“

That’s why the mandrake is on this list and not the vaginal tree on the poster. Or Man-Thing. Or the elemental from Hellboy II. Or David Manning, the most dangerous plant of all.

None of the above once were linked to your balls.

Root of Evil: The mandrake root is not evil, just misunderstood. All it craves in the context of Pan’s Labyrinth is a nice bowl of milk and some shade, preferably under an infirm person. If that’s evil, sign me up for evil because it sounds pretty much like I’ve been practicing being a mandrake all my life.

Figure 1. Mandrake. This is not a photograph.

If it looked like this, would you shit yourself for infinity or piss yourself for nine years?

 
Gardening Tips: Bitch’s on autopilot. Just so long as you milk it and don’t set it ablaze you’re in good shape. So, Captain Vidal here taking it out of the milk and burning it represents a subpar bit of gardening.

Its Place in Plantdom: Well, it was used in a Harry Potter film, many rituals in the real world, in comic books, and in the 80’s world of flight attendents (“this is my man Drake, I met him kneeled in front of me once”). The mandrake is A-OK!

 Happy Ending:
It burns and dies horribly, rendering its healing properties moot. Because of this a woman dies.

Pan’s Labyrinth is not a comedy.

– Nick Nunziata
 
 

5. The Blood Orchid

Exterior: Orchiddy. Orchid-ish. Seriously in possession of Orchid-esque qualities.

Interior: Bloods.

The Film: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)

Leafy Truths: Believed to hold the secrets to longer life, possibly to the extent of curing shitty diseases like cancer and shotgunsequelgreenlightis. It is a rare, enriching flower found only in the deep crannies of Borneo’s jungles and is guarded by gigantic snakes whose diet includes you. But the flower may hold the secrets to long-life and the healing of this tattered old curmudgeon we call humanity, so people venture for it, man-swallowing jungle phallus be damned. Obviously, this plant is fictitious or this film would have sued by HEALTH.

The Root of Evil: It’s just a little plant. No special abilities other than a beautiful crimson bloom and the entire salvation from every sickness ever, including Motion.

Gardening Tips:
Pluck it gently from the soil using a hydraulic arm you operate via remote control from the safety of your home 11,000 miles away because THE SNAKES DON’T LIKE TO SHARE THEIR GARDEN!
 
Its Place in Plantdom: Johnny Messner is the star of this film, believe me when I tell you that no one gives a flying fuck about this amazingly intricate bud that is PROTECTED BY A MATING BALL OF SUPERCHARGED TURBO RETICULATED GUY-KILLERS!
 
Happy Ending: Holy hot shit, is any silly plant worth THIS?

You damn right it is.

– Nick Nunziata