I ran into Zac Efron at the Four Seasons Hotel last week, and the only thing I can tell you about the guy is that he’s four feet tall. And he has dead eyes.

Well, I can also tell you that I don’t really care about Efron; he’s not been in anything with I have had to deal. And I also don’t care about anime, except to poke fun at the fans, who get really uppity when you insinuate that Japanese cartoons are not the most sophisticated entertainment. They get really mad when you denigrate cartoons where 80% of the dialog is ‘Whu?!?’ and ‘Ohhh!’ God, I hate anime.

So it’s a perfect storm of things about which I do not care when Efron gets attached to a live action anime, in this case the blazingly originally titled Full Metal Panic. And get the synopsis of this surely deep, intelligent and in no way featuring panty jokes cartoon show that is consumed mainly by lonely American men:

The property derives from writer Shoji Gatoh’s series about a
teenage anti-terrorist commando named Sousuke Sagara who is given
the mission to protect a high-school girl with mystical

“Panic,” which is set in a world almost exclusively without adults,
is known for mixing visceral action with wry comedy.

You have got to be kidding me. This is obviously a cartoon for the NAMBLA set.

Well, I’ll say this for Efron: he has the hair to be an anime character.