is in the air. The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming. Pollen
is drifting through the wind, taking hold and situating itself to help
bring about new and exciting leafy living things to make our lives
enriched. As a result, welcome to our latest CHUD List, a look at the
20 best plants in film history. A few things to consider:
Anne
Ramsey was not officially a plant, so she is excused from this list.
The same goes for Maude Adams, Jack Elam, and that thing on Aaron
Neville.
Also, fuck The Happening. And here we go!
12. That Thing in the Swamp
Exterior: Leotard covered in moss. Extremely serious visage. Nose: Overrated.
Interior: Everything Mr. and Mrs. Durock dreamed of while they were fuckin’.
The Film: Swamp Thing (1982)
Leafy Truths: Before I proceed, I must share a delightful passage from Wikipedia on the making of this film, and director Wes Craven’s intentions, primarily because though I try to be funny I cannot compete:
“Author John Kenneth Muir notes that Swamp Thing differs in many respects from Craven’s usual work. Intending to show the major Hollywood studios that he could handle action, stunts and major stars.“
As someone who has owned Swamp Thing in every home video incarnation [including Videodisc and Chia Rock], I am very equipped to say to Mr. Wes Craven this:
YOU FAILED.
Major Stars? Action? FUCK OFF, WES!
This is a horribly made film, poorly acted, and is to comic book adaptations as old people are to driving. It features Ray Wise as a scientist and hero! It features Louis Jordan as Louis Jordan and then Louis Jordan in a fucked up mask! It is also a must-own DVD.
Gardening Tips: The great thing about Swamp Gentleman (which is what this series should be called, have you heard his voice?) is that you don’t “garden” him. You stay out of his way while he fights swampcrime. He punches, stabs, squishes, and mashes evil through the powers of alchemy and photosynthesis.
He can regenerate limbs like a newt (proving once and for all that Jim Abbott is NOT a newt). How is he not great?
Its Place in Plantdom: Even before Alan Moore lent his hideous face to it, the comic book was a great pulpy curiosity thanks to Len Wein and somehow the brand has sustained itself for several decades despite horrible movies, horrible television shows, stiff competition from Man-Thing (not really), and the fact that the lead character is a pissed-off overeducated chunk of garden.
Of course I find it to be one of the best things this world has offered.
Happy Ending: The evil Louis Jordan becomes the worst special effect since Joan Rivers breastfed her daughter plastic milk and is quickly stabbed by Mr. Swamp Thing, esq. The effect doesn’t get better, resembling a mixture of rotten Don Post Mask and Tears for Fears frontman.
In his stiff and bizarre voice, Swamp Thing warns Adrienne Barbeau that her tits are outta control and his rooty member is confused because it wants to reach for the canopy but her perm bashes it to the soil. He lets her off with a warning and a can of hair straightener, knowing good and well Heather Locklear’s just a sequel away.
11. Romance Vines
Exterior: Scratchy and dry.
Interior: Pulsing with demon load.
The Film: The Evil Dead (1981)
Leafy Truths:
The forest is loaded with demons, but they’re very tired. To awaken them you must recite (or in this case play the unofficial audiobook) ancient incantations, but what are the odds of that happening?
100%.
When awoken they like to take over human bodies, and if you’re really lucky they’ll penetrate your sanctuary with probing vinepenis. This is how they pass the time.
Root of Evil: Demons are older than you or I know. Just realize they’re old and that they’re in heat.
Gardening Tips: Don’t get raped by it, for one. The great thing about the Romance Vines is that they’re only roaming the woods looking for snatch if they’re summoned. Otherwise they’re dormant and hanging around. Abstinence is the key here, for once you usher them into the world, you’re askin’ for it.
Its Place in Plantdom: Before Ash became the nerd Christ in 1987 this film was “the one where the girl gets raped by the vine” to many in the early 80’s who had seen it and been shocked by its style, tone, and aggressiveness. Though watching the film now reveals many Sam Raimi trademarks and plenty of intentional and unintentional cheese, this scene in particular helped make The Evil Dead a sort of taboo phenomenon.
Happy Ending: The vines enjoy a glass of chablis and a Cuban cigar while reminiscing about that time a few minutes ago where they made crotch hugs with a kid from Detroit. One ponders a pinball machine purchase.
If you have one for sale, be mindful of wilsonphillipsphan842 in the auction. On the other end of that internet superhighway is a vine tapping away on a Lenovo laptop.
