What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. A Brush with Greatness.



Photo by Justin Waddell.


“Joey, you look different. Did you go to contact lenses?


“No, I’m still wearing glasses. I got a haircut. Now be quiet or Miss Frieda will hear.”


“Yeah, like I’d cheat off you in Math.



“I got it cut at Smart Hair.”


“What’s the answer to questions nineteen, twenty-six, and all the others, please?








2. Only you can prevent forest fires. And blue balls.



Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.



“Welcome to our final marketing meeting before we launch our ‘Build a Bear empire. Any questions?


“Why bears? Why not motorcycles?”


“Kane, we all got your mission statement about stuffed motorcycles being the
next big thing but we’ve come this far with bears. Might as well see it through.



“Now I’M the asshole.”


“Any other questions?

“Is ‘Fluff Me’ the right use of words? It’s kinda perverted if you think about it.”


“You mean adorable, right? The word you were looking for is ‘Adorable’.



“I get this image of a bear sitting cross-legged with a
massive pink penis bursting out waiting to be satisfied.”


The word you were looking for is ‘Adorable’.










3. Does Johnny Handsome work at the Post Office?



Photo by Mark Wheaton.


I would love to have a Caddy, black and shiny. A symbol of my success and adherence to old school class, sleek and angular. There was a time that all you needed was a modicum of social skills and a Caddy and you were on your way to a robust sexual life. You were the shit. A person to be in awe of. A player. A Mack.

Then the Caddy became a hunk of shit and to drive one was to RSVP to Syphilis.

Now it’s good again, but how on Earth do you let people know that you’re a winner? A dreamboat in a dreamchariot. Do you carry yourself with class and showcase your sense of humor and education through the art of conversation and panache? Or do you spend $30 at the Motor Vehicle?




4. “I’ll only be a few minutes, I just have to affix leggings to a dwarf.”


Photo by Mike Daley.


I love the perfect harmony when jobs that require less than genius intelligence are graced with the ability to speak to the world around them. Not that I have a problem with people who put signs on the ground, because I’d probably fail at their job. I’m just glad there’s not some vigilante stencil proofreader out there trying to get in the way of our fun.






5. “This Whopper pairs especially well with an industrial grade toilet.”


Photo by Mike Daley.


The economy has hit us hard, because Jean-Pierre Beacoup must’ve been fired from Cafe Bleu Chateau Mignon Capri on the Riviera. I say this because only a delicate flower from the beating heart of cuisine would have the gall to try and recommend pairings of food and drink at a fucking Burger King. Do you think anyone has ever or will ever saunter up to the counter of this shitpot, a place manned by the laziest and least appreciative people to ever hold jobs, making a decision on what to eat due to their choice of Dr. Pepper?

“I was going to have the Tendergrill, but everyone knows that the tannins of Sprite really bring out the bouquet of the lettuce.”

As if I needed more reason to hate Burger King [they squashed my Hamburger Jester franchise in the early 80’s]
.





6. Backdrift.



Photo by Mitchell Kriebel.


“Faster You Foot” and “Don’t Smoking” are policies that would have prevented some of the worst blazes this tarnation has ever known. There are few joys in life as pure as seeing really shoddy outsourced toys. It’s the best reason to visit a drugstore, surpassing being healed and finding out if you’ve made a little child of magic with your nightparts.

I like this fireman more than real firemen. This guy’s a real hero.





7. Riding Miss Daisy.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I was trying to drink coffee in peace when an elderly in whoreclothes presented herself. This photograph was my personal Zapruder film. My Bud Dwyer video. My Waterloo.




8. SGTMNT SEEKS SAME.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


“Donatello anyone we fuckin’, eh?”


“My beak is sealed.”





9. “I gotta go make the wireless networks!”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


We get it. You’re proud of your donuts. I think if your customers are already there and they’ve brought a computer, they don’t need to be sold at the logging into a network stage of the relationship.




10. The Most Often Sent in L.O.D. submission.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


About ten folks over the years have sent in the Charles Bronson stamp from Florida Gas Pumps, and I even ran one a long time ago. But, upon a recent visit to Sea World, I felt the desire to take a nice clean photo. Now, if folks could send me the Lee Marvin one from Nebraska and the legendary Bo Svenson one from Kentucky we’ll be in great shape.




11. “Would you like a blowjob or cancer?”



Photo by Patrick White.


Whomever did a school project comparing the qualities of Twilight to Harry Potter seems like an ideal transfer to a school with a prominent clocktower and a reputation for lax gun sales
. Yes, I’m saying it’s OK to kill kids under certain circumstances.



12. Need energy? Insecure? We have the product for YOU!


Photo by Shawn Mehrotra.


That Krunk is still being manufactured means I cannot give the makers of Magnum (an energy drink that is supposed to make your cock hard forever) too much shit.

Yes I can.

Look at the effort behind this delivery truck. What does it tell us?

  • You’ll turn blue from the punishment your blood is gonna take from your dick…
  • Except your dick’s going to lose all the blood because this tonic wine isn’t approved by the FDA…
  • But it is approved by DVDA…
  • Your lady friend (whom you met at Crunch Fitness) will lose many of her features and turn pink…
  • Because your cock is toxic and pumping forever…
  • Apparently when you need energy is when you’re going to fuck a woman to death…
  • But they couldn’t afford the letter ‘O’ when we needed it…
  • And what the fuck is a tonic wine anyway?




13. The #1 competitor to Mortal Korn.



Photo by Steve Murphy.


“Yo, fruit!”


“Don’t be harrassin’ me. I ain’t done you ugly.”



“I don’t like the way you go around havin’ calcium and fiber and shit.”


“I’m just mindin’ my own business here, been doing so since thousands of year before Christ. Get off my back.”



“Your back is laden with delicious pulp. I want your seeds! I’m gonna prove Newton’s Law.”




14. This guy ejaculated at least four times.



Photo by Evan Dickson.


And he’s advertising it. Because that’s all he has. His come quartet.





15. “Woof! I just forgot what I was woofing about.”



Photo by Matt Turner.


Wait, are there canines who forget shit and can’t focus driving the car or are they puppies who really know their marketing?

Only one way to find out, drive them off the road into a pole.








By the way:



























“My toe lied and said the tub was only warm!”




Message Board Thread.