Hey, remember Stan Bush’s ‘The Touch’ from The Transformers: The Movie? You know, the song that Dirk Diggler and Chest Rockwell hilariously covered in Boogie Nights? Do you think that song is cool? Or even funny? Do you find yourself singing it to your friends – either seriously or in an attempt to crack them up?
Then you’re probably a douchebag. A seriously lame piece of shit. You’re more or less what’s wrong with America, and when confronted with a video of you ‘hilariously‘ singing this song, I’d be forced to agree with Al Qaeda re: our continued survival as a nation. Fuck you, in short. This song more or less stopped being funny once Paul Thomas Anderson was done with it, and your tragic attempts to milk humor and/or ironic hipness from it only prove how utterly fucking lame you are. Honestly, I’d rather that you beat up people of other ethnic groups than think ‘The Touch’ is amusing.
In fact, here’s a challenge: come up to me and sing ‘The Touch’ and I will punch you in your fucking face.
God, that feels good. Maybe I can’t solve the genocide problems of Africa, but I can remind people who think ‘The Touch’ is funny that they’re utterly fucking useless as people. They’re like the hemorroids on America’s suburbs (and they’re all from places like Long Island, the worst place where the worst fucking people are born).
Anyway: Stan Bush has been making a living on ‘The Touch.’ It’s pathetic. And now he’s got more ‘The Touch’ news for all of you hideous pieces of shit who like it (am I coming across as angry? I just fucking hate the cult of morons built up around this desperately unfunny, just simply bad song). Stan has announced that ‘The Touch’ will appear as a free download for Guitar Hero, forever cementing the idea that Rock Band is the game for people who aren’t retards. He is also submitting a new version of the song for the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen soundtrack, but I think Michael Bay has more sense. In other words, I think Stan Bush may be a delusional loser.
Yes, this whole update was an excuse for me to drunkenly berate the people who think ‘The Touch’ is funny. The people who will be downloading it for their Guitar Hero game and forcing it on their guests at parties. It just makes me feel better to target the worst group of humans since the Nazis and take a shit on them. Fuck you, ‘The Touch’ fans. I wish you’d all line up so I could kick you each to death. Personally. You’re everything I hate about the internet, nerds and the world.
Behind every great book adaptation is a forgettable first try. — By Ryan Covey