The Remakaholic: What movies NEED to be remade?

It’s been a long fucking day.  You know what I’m talking about: Those days
that you want to sleep until 8:30 but end up waking up an hour early.  You struggle to fall back asleep, but static (or voices) keep you from that much needed hour.  Yeah….and then it is time for work.   

But I digress.  I was
on the bus today watching an obese lady massage her sausage-leg when a sudden
scene from Total Recall popped into
my head.  Arnold…dressed in that fat suit
trying to go through the terminal.  And
in my A.D.D. mind, that thought lead to this blog post about remakes.

 Love ’em OR hate ’em,
Hollywood has remakaholism.  All our favorite
horror movies are being retooled and packaged into a slick “torture-porn” rehash that sometimes
produces gold (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
and other times produces diarrhea. (Friday
The 13th) 

There are some
interesting ones on the way too:  Nightmare On Elm Street could be descent
and Bad Lieutenant looks like a
disaster. 

Regardless, Hollywood has decided that remaking a brand can
be lucrative.  My question is,  what movies DESERVE to be remade?

Henry: Portrait Of
A Serial Killer

This movie has a dark aura surrounding it.  Older film fans will remember the days when
you had to go to a specialized movie store to rent these flicks.  They only existed on VHS, and for a time you
actually had to put a deposit down to rent them!  And because it took more effort and
exploration, these movies were surrounded with mysticism and obscurity.

Hands down, Michael Rooker kills (no pun
intended) in the roll of Henry Lee Lucas. 
Every grainy frame of this film is packed with disgust, blood and a
general lack of humanity. 

While I was impressed (and disturbed) by the movie, I could
see the story being improved and tweaked. 
H.P.O.A.S.K. is told from one
perspective, Henry’s.  We see what he sees
and are forced into his twisted world. 

This movie isn’t SOOO sacred that it can’t be slicked up a
little, with possibly more characters and more plot.  The movie plays at a snail pace, and often
shows too much rather than letting the viewer fill in the blanks.   Yes, it’s based on a
true story, but how much weight does that hold with movies?  I personally could see a Seven approach to a movie like this, as long as it remains hard
R. 

I Spit On Your
Grave

A young woman decides to go to the country to write a
novel.  The local hillbillies have run
out of sheep to fuck, and one day decide to repeatedly rape the poor
author.  (For over 20 minutes, all on film.)  Naturally, she exacts her revenge by
killing and brutally torturing them, one by one.

This pseudo snuff-film is a BRUTAL piece of work, and WAY up there on the
revenge-flick list.  While it is iconic
in many ways, it’s not above the remake treatment.  First off, the movie DRAGS and DRAGS.  There are many pointless scenes, and the
acting is atrocious. 

Most people have watched this movie for its lore, but I don’t
really care about anyone in this movie…..most of all, the protagonist.  She’s lifeless and complacent.  She just lets things happen, and then somehow
musters the courage to kill everyone at the end of the movie.  There could be more of an arc, and with the
right director this could be a great story.   

At the end of the day, I’m pleased that some franchises can
be “reborn” from a remake. But when it comes at the cost of tampering with works
of perfection, then don’t fix what aint broken. There are many sub-par movies
with great plots that NEED a retelling.    

I’m fuckin in, you’re fuckin out – Kenny Powers