It’s that time of the year where, instead of covering the host of amazing filmmakers who should shortly be debuting new films at Cannes, we get to make predictions about the summer tentpole films based on toys. This is slightly depressing, but the arrival of anime-inspired GI Joe toys is of slight amusement, for two reasons. One, because they point to how silly the whole GI Joe thing is. Two, because they hint that Cobra Commander might have a mask like a mollusk, and that sounds delicious.
This is where people will email to say that what you see above is an exaggerated version of something that will work on screen. DON’T DO THAT! I want to believe. I want to keep my delusions that Joseph Gordon-Levitt will walk through this movie wearing half an octopus on his chin. I want to hope that Channing Tatum will push his head into boiling oil at the end of the movie and then eat the mask right off his face before chugging seven beers. An actual toy photo shows a clear version of the mask, and I guess that’s fine, too. I also like the fact that in the image above, Cobra Commander has one good eye and one bad one. This is going to be the best movie ever.
There are more toys, all pictured at hisstank.com, a website whose domain name more or less speaks for itself. How is it that, in 2009, crap like this is the best a toy company can do? If I was a manchild with money to burn on toys, these sculpts of anorexic spinal menengitis sufferers in ninja costumes wouldn’t get my money. Robocop Duke is pretty funny, at least, and I suppose some of the facial sculpts aren’t too insulting to the actors.