What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

ASSORTED DUMB SHIT


1. “Can I have a hall pass to see if my piss yields family members?”



Photo by Carmen Harbour.


“Do you have your book bag ready for school tomorrow, Diana?”


“Let me see, mother. Vaseline. Orange Roughy. Birth Control. Pregnancy Test.
Weed Killer. Detergent. Smoke Detector. A Life Vest, and the Cigar Store Indian. Yep. Now can I watch Dirty Jobs?”






2. And the Lord sayeth ‘Why dost thou sit upon me? I’m trying to savior over here…’



Photo by Dan Wojciak.



What a difference a word makes. Though the verse is actually “Believe IN the Lord”, I also find it better to believe ON the Lord. Faith is more potent when you’re sitting on Christ’s chest. Also, I’m not convinced this Toyota owner is religious. Perhaps one more Jesusy bauble? Just out of frame, the modified custom logo of the Toyota Corinthiansrolla.






3. Hornets = Possessive.



Photo by Evan Dickson.


This was a hastily rendered note to replace the one which blew away. It read:

Human beings, this tree is rightfully ours. Should you continue to pursue ownership of it, we will fly onto you and release our ass barbs. We have a hive mind, so typing this has been our collective pleasure. Special thanks to the spelling bee, who just flew away.

Respectfully,

The Bees




4. CHILF.


Photo by John Makarewicz.


Not to be confused with Mrs. Meaney’s plate, COLMMOM.






5. Jesus Blood > Xenomorph Blood.


Photo by Ryan Schriml.


“Yo Hank, what are we doing for security in this mud?”


“I called ADP but their prices were ridiculous, so I went with old faithful.”



“There’s a geyser protecting our pile of heaps?”


“Nah, I went with The Blood of Jesus.”



“There’s a geyser protecting our pile of heaps?”






6. This ain’t Chicken Little.



Photo by Travis Hand.


“Joseph, remind me why is our son covered in fluffed bird ejaculate again?”





7. While we’re obsessing over Irag the cephalopods are massing.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Squid 1:
Load me up, Chappie!


Squid 2:
What we got here is a box of rapid energy deposit, positive functioning, ink-tipped, uniform expanding hollow point rounds.


Squid 3:
I only need to know one thing. Where they are…


Squid 4:
Is that a fork? Is that marinara sauce?


Squids 1-4:
Why do we taste so fuckin’ good. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!




8. This exists.


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I don’t know what a David Archuleta is, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t deserve a magazine. At least I can rest knowing that he’s very young and already has a life story. That means it should be mercifully over soon.




9. If you own this you and I will never be friends.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Fine, you like Sonic Youth. You can keep your cool badge. Whatever. That there is “noise” fiction inspired by Sonic Youth, sorry . You can fuck right off. You don’t see me publicly showing off my Microscopic Demon nonfiction inspired by Glenn Danzig, do you?




10. I dare you to love this.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


There’s nothing that promotes honesty and true love quite like a book that forces incompatible people who resent each other to stay together against their will under the unsteady backdrop of Bible verses repurposed for a greedy author’s needs.




11. I like apes with closely cropped hair myself.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I read up Christian Apologetics to get material for a joke and now I just want to take Excedrin.




12. “My chute failed! Oh shit, I won the race!”


Photo by Nick Nunziata.


“Sir, you’re fast but you’re skydiving wrong.”



13. “That marijuana just handed me the dollar I dropped.”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


That a drug store has to tell you it’s ethical worries the parts of me used for thoughts and sadnesses.




14. “My prime rib needs repairs.”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


“What’s your name, Private?”


“London Broil, SIR!”



“Why did you join the Salivating Army, Private Broil?”


“To be corn-fed and delicious, SIR!”



“Are you delicious, Private?”


“Sir, YES SIR!”



“I can’t hear you!”


“SIR, YES SIR!”



“At ease, Private. Fall in line or you’re going to Hamburger Hill.”



15. “There’s a Labrador Retriever fixing my shit can.”



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


I love it when someone has the ability to start a business and does before realizing that it might be good to think.


“I like to work for myself. I’m handy with tools. And I have a picture of my confused dog! I’m a business incarnate!”




16. Passenger, 57 pieces.



Photo by Nick Nunziata.


Big Brother isn’t just watching. He’s vivisecting.







By the way:



























“Father leaves me at the zoo for as many days as it takes!”




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